


the difference of indifference

by boxysmiles



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Donghyuck's a little bit not okay and struggles to tell people that, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, making out and mentions of boners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxysmiles/pseuds/boxysmiles
Summary: Donghyuck keeps getting asked if he's okay.He thinks he is, for the most part. He goes to practice, hangs out with his members, and is staying on top of everything. That's okay, isn't it?Maybe he'd say he isn't - but that would mean acknowledging that he's feeling distant, disconnected, indifferent. Numb. It's just easier to ignore all of that, to just say yes, he's okay.In the end, that's really not any easier.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 49
Kudos: 353





	the difference of indifference

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes you have about 6k sitting around for a while, then in 2 days write 14k. 
> 
> lee donghyuck has come in and ruined my life, and naturally I express that with just some centric angst. This is... heavily based off feelings I had experienced a couple years ago especially, and it's still kind of hard to explain it or put it in words what I was experiencing, so uhh let's see. took some heavy liberties with schedules, so don't expect their actual ones oop

Johnny’s just asked, for the third time this week, if he’s okay.

He is, he thinks. He gets out of bed everyday, is mostly eating proper meals, is managing well at practice. He's even keeping on top of his skin care routine. He’s okay, at the least. He’s doing okay.

It’s just that he’s a little tired, his body seeming to realise he’s finally on a break and taking full advantage of that. It’s just that he struggles in the mornings, his body aching, and the first thought on his mind is to take painkillers out of view from everyone else. It’s just that he’s so tired, and yet can’t sleep peacefully at night.

It’s just that if he thinks a little bit more, he can’t really remember the inbetween stuff.

There’s moments - hours - missing, and he thinks he did okay at practice because he doesn’t remember messing anything up exactly, but he doesn’t really remember what he did either.

But if he thinks too hard about choreography he can’t remember learning, he’ll start to panic, and he’d rather just _not._

Besides, when he’s in the practice room, it seems to be okay. He’s not really sure how, but his body is doing the right movements, so that’s fine. It’s been the same with recording, with vocal lessons. He doesn’t really know how, but he’s getting through them. He’s fine.

That doesn’t really matter, though. The problem is that Johnny has now asked three times in a week.

He’ll ask once, usually. Casually, just checking in to see how Donghyuck’s going. Sometimes Johnny’s met with a bright smile, Donghyuck all too ready to spill something exciting. A pout if there’s something small bothering him.

Sometimes it ends up with Johnny bringing out a bottle of wine from their refrigerator, and they sit on their beds and talk about it over some drinks.

If he asks a second time in a week, it usually means he’s getting a little concerned. Picked up that Donghyuck’s a little tired, that maybe he’s a little upset about something more serious.

A third time means he’s worried _,_ and Donghyuck _hates_ making other people worry.

It’s concerning, too. Because Donghyuck’s thinking back, trying to really remember what he’s been like the past week. He’s been doing his best to stay energetic, knows he’s been loud and boisterous during any practices together to lighten the mood.

It helps that he feels a little more present with other people around. It’s easier to force himself to stay grounded when he’s focusing on someone else, when there’s comforting, reassuring brushing of arms, fingers running through his hair, keeping him _present._

So he thought he was doing okay - that he _looked_ okay. That he wouldn’t cause concern.

They’ve been looking out for him regardless, with words of encouragement and praise, with treats and letting him drape himself across them. Enveloping him in hugs and indulging all his affectionate touches more than usual.

So he doesn’t want to repay them by making them worry. He _loves_ the affection and attention, just not when it’s rooted from concern for him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Donghyuck decides on asking, turning on his chair. Johnny’s looking at him from where he's lying back on his bed, phone placed down on his lap to give his attention to Donghyuck.

It’s late, and they should probably both be sleeping. But Donghyuck feels restless, and lying in bed just feels pointless right now.

Johnny loosely gestures to the computer. “You’ve been staring at a blank screen for ten minutes now.”

He didn’t even realise he had zoned out. It’s just that he’d sat down, not wanting to lie in bed, and had looked at the screen and felt a little overwhelmed. No game appealed to him, no other activity interested him, and he must’ve just blanked out entirely.

“Just plotting the next game to beat Jeno with,” he replies, arms stretching up above his head, trying to appear nonchalant. To ease up Johnny’s concern before it really starts to build.

Johnny’s mouth lifts in a smile. “Right, like you’re not just going to cheat.”

It’s futile to stay at the computer, so Donghyuck turns it off, stands up from his chair and gives a grin he doesn’t really feel. “ _Strategic_ malfunctioning or disruptions to your opponent’s equipment is not cheating.”

Johnny’s laugh is loud and sudden, startling in the quieter hours, and he immediately covers his mouth to try and stifle it. “No, of course not, how silly of me to assume otherwise.”

“You _are_ silly,” Dongyhuck retorts, sticking his tongue out for good measure. Johnny just gives him a proper, wide smile, then opens up his arms.

Donghyuck moves forward quickly, sliding on top of Johnny to fold himself into Johnny’s embrace.

Cuddling Johnny always feels so comforting and securing, and Donghyuck melts all too easily. He’s not sleepy, but he doesn’t feel as jittery now, and his eyes close with content as Johnny brings up a hand to stroke it through his hair.

“You’ve just been zoning out lately a little, baby,” Johnny tells him quietly. He approaches it delicately, carefully, always does so whenever he thinks Donghyuck might not respond well to something.

He probably wouldn’t in any other scenario, but he’s a little too content in Johnny’s arms, so he just sighs and buries a little further into him.

He can come up with any number of excuses, anything to brush it off, but his mouth stays closed as Johnny’s fingers continue through his hair. Johnny decides to continue speaking softly.

“We’re all really proud of how hard you’re working, Hyuckie,” Johnny tells him sincerely, and Donghyuck truly considers getting up and away from this conversation.

Johnny’s words are always comforting, but they’re so sincere and honest, so full of praises that not even Donghyuck knows what to do with all of them.

“I have a lot of greed,” he replies, the words mumbling into Johnny’s shirt, and Johnny hums in agreement.

“Because you know you can achieve it. Anything you set your mind to. You work hard and you always, always get there.”

He knows this is only the start of a long list of compliments, and there’s really only so many he can handle at a time, so he gives Johnny a warning with a stern “ _hyung.”_

Johnny laughs softly. “I’m just saying. Especially these last few months. It’s important to rest though, too - mentally and physically. And we’ll always be here to support or help you, so you can reach out to us.”

“I’ve been resting _so much,_ hyung, I may as well be one with my bed. And I’m literally cuddling you right now.” Donghyuck squeezes his arms around Johnny just to drive in his point. An attempt to reassure Johnny that he’s okay.

Admittedly, Johnny’s concern isn’t unfounded. At the moment Donghyuck’s sleep is interrupted every couple of hours. Restless, feeling like he’s been unable to sink properly into a deep sleep. Sometimes it’s nightmares, but most of the time it’s nothing at _all,_ which is even more frustrating.

Sometimes it’s better to just solidly crash for a few hours when he’s so tired from intense schedules, rather than the fitful, couple of hours he might get a few times a night when he has the free time to rest.

It’s still tiring, even if the workload is lighter. It’s harder because Donghyuck’s body is _trying_ to rest, but he can’t properly switch off, but can’t quite get in a productive and consistent working groove where it’s easier to push through work either. It’s almost like limbo, and Donghyuck hates it.

And there’s a difference between reaching out for cuddles, for affection, than for him to reach out for help. To tell them about his worries, about his stresses. It’s not something he does often, and he’s not wanting to do so now.

They both know it, so Johnny just sighs. It’s silent between them, Donghyuck comfortable on top of Johnny as the other breathes steadily, a soothing rhythm he tries to match.

A small, tense moment is all Donghyuck gets as a warning that Johnny is going to speak again.

“How’re you and Jaemin going?” Johnny quietly asks. Out of everyone on this floor, Johnny is the one that knows the most about them. It's an unspoken agreement between everyone else residing here that Johnny is usually the one to ask about these things.

The whole arrangement mostly relies on unspoken agreements. Silent promises between them that they’ll all stand by the two of them, will do their best to protect them and hide it until they’re ready to reveal it publicly, if ever.

And Donghyuck can immediately have Johnny stop asking about this tonight if he just raises his eyebrow and insinuates something. Can have Johnny reassured that everything’s okay, _more_ than okay, and the conversation can come to a halt.

However, he quite likes cuddling Johnny - is feeling the most grounded he has all week, and doesn’t really want to be kicked off the bed just yet, which would be the cost of saying such things.

So he buries into Johnny’s chest, ducking his head a little more so that he doesn’t need to meet Johnny’s gaze. “We’ve had more time to hang out, which is nice,” Donghyuck answers truthfully. “During the live concert practices and Dream promotion, it’s more than usual, and now there’s a bit of downtime.”

Johnny takes the surprising tone gracefully - it’s not often Donghyuck will be genuine like this, not sober at least, but Johnny hides his surprise well. “I’m glad. It seems like you missed him for a bit there.”

Donghyuck shifts now so he can look at Johnny, glaring at him. “Excuse me, I do not _miss_ people. _They_ miss me.”

Johnny coos playfully at him, hands moving to cup at Donghyuck’s cheeks and squish them. “Of _course,_ of course. My perfect, genius baby, how could anyone _not_ miss you?”

Donghyuck, with his limited expressions thanks to Johnny’s hands on his cheeks, does his best to stick his tongue out and blow his tongue at him. Johnny laughs and releases his hands, circling around Donghyuck’s middle and securing him down.

Donghyuck doesn’t even bother trying to resist. One of Johnny’s hands resumes the stroking in his hair, and Donghyuck just sighs with relief.

“If you two need some time alone at any point, just let me know, okay? I can go away for a few hours, or a night if you need it.” Johnny’s offer is ridiculously nice, and Donghyuck’s heart swells with affection.

It can be hard, between two dorms. With roommates and other members constantly in and out. The offer is a blessing, but right now he can’t even imagine what to do with that sort of private time.

To keep up with his lighter attitude, he looks up to raise a suggestive eyebrow at Johnny, who softly hits the top of his head. “Nothing nasty in my bed, you demon. I don’t want evidence of anything you two get up to.”

Truthfully, they haven’t even gotten up to much lately - not in a few weeks. There’s the rush after performing, the burning energy and left-over adrenaline they can only rarely actually act on. On the way back to the dorms, they’re already both so drained that it’s hard to go beyond a private kiss, or just a quick cuddle.

And Donghyuck’s just - _tired_. He’s okay, but he’s tired, and he just doesn’t have the energy to spare for such things right now.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Donghyuck tells him quietly, giving himself another moment to just soak up Johnny’s embrace. “We’re okay, but I’ll let you know.”

He’s so, so grateful for Johnny. It’s something that swirls warmly in his chest, keeping him grounded, reminding him just how much he can _feel._

Johnny keeps holding him until he’s boneless, just drifting on the border of sleep, until he can no longer properly move his limbs.

Johnny is gentle, oh-so careful as he places Donghyuck on his own bed. Donghyuck grumbles a little at being moved, at losing the warmth and comfort of Johnny, but the other hushes him by brushing back the hair from his eyes, leaning down to whisper a soft “ _good night, Hyuckie.”_

Donghyuck falls asleep, and doesn’t wake again until morning.

* * *

One night of proper sleep does him well, it seems.

Enough that as he makes himself lunch, because he slept long enough his first meal of the day can no longer be considered breakfast, he starts to consider that he really was right when he said he was okay.

That all he needs is sleep, and the zoning out was just a result of being tired, and he will feel present and grounded starting from today.

Johnny wasn't in the room when he woke up, but it's a usual occurrence when Donghyuck sleeps in late. He doesn't have any practice until later in the evening, so he didn’t bother with alarms, and he’s still got some time to kill.

He hasn’t set any plans lately. The thought of going out tires him. It _should_ worry him, because he knows he enjoys going out, knows he enjoys being with his friends, with Jaemin, and doing fun activities.

He knows this isn’t normal for him. That there’s a lack of excitement he’s never really experienced before, that he feels almost numb, distant.

Pushing it down, he focuses on making his meal. It’s more complex than usual, but cooking lets him soak up time. Lets him focus on the meal rather than any other thoughts in his head.

The dorm is surprisingly quiet, only Doyoung lingering around - who soon hurries out the door, waving goodbye to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck forces himself to stay focused on his cooking, not letting his thoughts stray far from it. By the time he finishes up, he's proud that he hasn't drifted too far, that he can remember the entire process of making the meal.

He's made too much, a force of habit by now, and he stares contemplatively at the extra helping before opening his phone. Opening the chat between the 127 members, he sends a photo of the extra dish and stating the first person to come get it can have it.

A few of them open it, Taeyong sending a sticker that represents how much he would love to have it and is sad he can't, but otherwise he doesn't get any replies.

Jaemin sent him a text, earlier in the morning while he was still asleep.

**Jaeminnie baby 💚**

Hyuckie!! Going on a bike ride with Jeno today if you want to come!! **💚💚  
** 8:23AM

Hope you’re sleeping well! 🥺 **💚** Message me when you’re up **💚💚  
** 8:56AM

excuse me i do not rise that early

but hope you’re having fun you dorks **💚  
** 12:58PM

He puts away his phone, and decides to put the remaining meal in the fridge for later. Moving to cover it, the dorm's door suddenly opens. Startled, he looks to see Jungwoo, who looks rather flushed.

"Haechannie! You offered food?" Jungwoo asks hurriedly, and Donghyuck can already see his face shifting into a cute pout, set onto getting something he wants. "No one else has taken it, right?"

Donghyuck laughs, waving Jungwoo over to the extra bowl on the counter. "No hyung, no one else has taken it in the two minutes since I offered. It's all yours."

Jungwoo grins with relief and moves with excitement, grabbing a set of chopsticks and the bowl before sitting down at the table. "Thank you, Haechan-ah. I love Taeil, but if I have to subject myself to one more meal that's the same thing we've been eating for a week..."

Jungwoo pulls a face, and Donghyuck laughs. "I get it. I hope you like this, then."

Wasting no further time, Jungwoo starts to eat. He's making noises of appreciation, and he finishes the bowl by the time Donghyuck's finished half of his own.

It's nice having his meal appreciated, and Donghyuck's glad for the company. The loneliness of the dorms was beginning to settle over him as he made the meal, but Jungwoo is a bright and welcomed presence, and he revels in it.

After all, Jungwoo didn't need to stay around and eat with him, so Donghyuck’s thankful he has. He pushes his bowl to Jungwoo, who gives him an inquisitive look. Donghyuck insists with a shrug, "I'm not that hungry, honestly. And you probably deserve it after having a week of the same meal."

Jungwoo hesitates for a moment, but Donghyuck is stubborn and won’t back down, so Jungwoo takes it with a genuine smile before digging in. Donghyuck clears up some of the table, putting the dishes in the sink.

"That was really good, Haechannie. Thank you." Jungwoo's stretching at the table, looking satisfied and happy. Donghyuck glows a little with the praise, humming as he heads back over to the table to clear up the last of the dishes.

"My personal chef rates start at 250,000 won. Per side-dish," he jokes, quickly rinsing out the bowls. "But I'll give you a discount of 100 won because you're pretty."

Jungwoo gasps, placing a hand over his heart. "My, those are very cheap prices, and a very good discount," he sounds genuine, which makes Donghyuck laugh. "I imagine, though, Jaemin gets a better discount?"

Donghyuck gasps, faux-scandalised. "Of course not, Jungwoo-ssi. You think it's cheap to date me?"

Jungwoo sighs dramatically. "I was hoping so, you see. I would if I got cheaper meals."

"A noble quest," Donghyuck agrees. "Maybe you'll just have to seduce Taeil into taking cooking lessons."

They share an amused look before breaking, laughing. Jungwoo comes over to stand beside him, and Donghyuck realises Jungwoo’s intending to help him with the dishes as he grabs the towel.

“Ah, hyung, it’s okay. I can do these,” he says, and Jungwoo hums and simply gestures for Donghyuck to get started with washing, turning to lean with his back against the counter.

“There’s a place I’ve been wanting to eat at, we should go there together,” Jungwoo suddenly says. Donghyuck glances to the side for a moment, and Jungwoo meets his gaze.

“Right now?” Donghyuck asks, confused, because he _knows_ Jungwoo likes to eat - but Donghyuck’s not all that hungry to go for another meal.

“No,” Jungwoo laughs. “I mean, unless you want to. But sometime soon would be nice.”

Donghyuck grins at him, always excited to be asked to accompany someone for a meal. “That sounds good, just let me know when.”

They ease into a conversation about recent stories on their floors as they do the dishes. Johnny returns to the dorm right as Donghyuck finishes up washing, Jungwoo drying the last of their workload.

“Oh, hey Jungwoo-ah,” Johnny greets, a little thrown by seeing him. It’s not unusual for members to mingle in the other dorms, but it is a bit new to have Jungwoo do housework with him.

“Hyuckie made a meal,” Jungwoo explains, putting the drying towel away.

Johnny checks his phone, then says “Ah,” understanding the situation. “Damn, should’ve returned home earlier.”

“You still wouldn’t have beaten Jungwoo-hyung to it,” Donghyuck says, and Jungwoo grins innocently at him, batting his eyelashes. Johnny snorts, shaking his head. He ruffles Donghyuck’s hair as he passes, headed to their room.

Donghyuck’s phone vibrates with a notification, and he pulls it out to see a message from Jaemin. He’s sent a selca with Jeno, both of them smiling cutely with their helmets on, saying they’ve stopped for a while to eat. He knows he’s smiling fondly at his phone, even as he sends a sticker with a character sticking their tongue out.

Jungwoo sighs wistfully from beside him, leaning against the counter and appearing in Donghyuck’s view behind the phone.

“How’s the other half of my favourite couple going?” Jungwoo coos, tilting his head in curiousity. Donghyuck knows that between himself and Jaemin telling him, there’s little Jungwoo doesn’t know between them. Jungwoo definitely knows how Jaemin is going, but Donghyuck takes the opportunity to talk about Jaemin whenever he can, so it’s not like he minds.

“He’s out riding with Jeno,” Donghyuck replies, a small smile on his lips. “They’re losers that enjoy that kind of stuff.”

Jungwoo grins. “Ah, but you reap the benefits of it.” He makes a show of his arm muscles, and Donghyuck laughs, hitting one of his arms.

Jungwoo is a bright presence, and he remains around in the dorm for a while, talking to Donghyuck and anyone else that wanders back in. Donghyuck watches as his hyungs face light up as they talk to Jungwoo, a warmth in his chest spreading as he happily watches.

 _See?_ He tells himself, watching Jungwoo and Doyoung talk as he sits on the kitchen counter. _I’m fine. I feel happy, I am happy, and I’m right here. I feel good, and I’m fine. Just needed some sleep, there’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing to worry about._

He is fine. He’s here, smiling, and feels connected with his emotions, with what’s happening around him. He’s fine, and he will continue to be fine. And there is nothing for anyone to be concerned about.

* * *

Maybe it’s because he was so desperate to prove to himself that he was fine, but when he finds himself slipping up a couple days later, the panic of it is almost overwhelming.

He hadn’t realised how far he’d been disconnected from himself, how far he had drifted, until someone’s hand clasps his shoulder and he jolts with surprise.

It takes a moment to realise where he is. The practice room, and it takes him a second to place that he’s looking at himself in the mirror from the other side of the room. He’s sitting next to Jisung and Chenle, the latter the one to clasp his shoulder.

He knows he’s at dance practice, and thinks this is right, that he _knows_ this.

But - he doesn’t remember how he got here. Doesn’t remember the past couple of hours, the last thing he can actually remember is from the morning. Practice is late in the evening, which means there’s hours where he can’t really think of what happened.

It feels murky, trying to wade through his memories, to pull free _anything_ from the past couple hours. He gets dredges, some glimpses - but it’s like watching someone else, and he panics a little.

It’s startling, and Donghyuck can’t hide the way he’s been jolted back into himself. Chenle’s looking at him in concern, hand still on his shoulder.

“Hyung?” He asks quietly, unsure, and Donghyuck does his best to focus.

“Ah,” he says, a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. He still feels jittery, nervous, and he can’t think straight. No excuses come to mind, nothing witty for once, and it only means he panics more, desperate to use any excuse now. “Sorry, Chenle-ah. I just need a drink.”

He pats Chenle’s head as he gets up, sending a smile to Jisung as well. He can tell by their reactions that he’s probably done this mid-conversation, even though he can’t _remember_ the conversation, but hopes their attention will be drawn to anything else as he walks away.

His water bottle is in the other corner of the room, and he reaches for it with unsteady hands. A quick glance around the room shows Renjun, Jaemin and Jeno working together in front of the mirror, going over some dance moves.

They’re familiar, at least, but then Donghyuck starts to worry. He can’t recall what they’ve been practicing, if any formations have changed. He does his best to watch the others, to remind himself _he knows these movements._ It’s fine, he _knows_ them.

Jaemin catches his eye in the mirror, and the moment he does he turns around to look at Donghyuck directly. Waving for the other two to continue without him, he walks over to Donghyuck and wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s shoulders, tugging him into a close hug.

Donghyuck feels too hot, like his jacket should’ve come off a while ago, and he’d complain about Jaemin smothering him if he didn’t feel more relaxed, no longer as worked up and panicked.

His arms wrap around Jaemin, clasping together as best as he can on Jaemin’s back with the water bottle still in his hands.

He settles into Jaemin’s comfort, content for a moment to block out the rest of the world. Makes himself take a few steady breaths in an attempt to ground himself, to listen and feel Jaemin’s heartbeat against his own chest.

He’s doing better. He _was._

And maybe that’s why it’s so terrifying to feel disconnected - even just for a moment, for however long it had been today. Because he knows he shouldn’t be like this, that he doesn’t _want_ it to be.

Jaemin just lets Donghyuck hold him for as long as he wants. As long as he can, at least. The choreographer walks back into the room, and Donghyuck can vaguely remember they’re been with the choreographer for a while today already.

“Okay,” the choreographer says, clasping his hands together. “Let’s do half a run, just the last few songs, and finish up for today.”

Donghyuck's stressing, because now he's overthinking the choreography. He's obviously gotten through the rest of the practice okay, just going through the movements automatically, but now he's thinking about it and he can't remember.

He's good at mimicking others at least, can pick things up fast, and that's what he has to rely on.

It's just that Renjun's announced that anyone messing up the choreography is buying dinner, as per their usual rules, and he's craving hot pot. And when Renjun's in the mood for something he's a lot more observant, quicker to pick up mistakes, and Donghyuck is a little worried.

Shaking his hands out as they get into position, he tries to calm himself down. It'll come back to him, he's sure, he just needs to relax and stop overthinking it. Just let it come naturally to him, as it tends to do in practice.

It works for a while, at least. The choreography changes aren't too drastic, and he usually can mirror someone easily enough if he has a brief lapse of confusion. Any slip-ups aren't caught, and he thinks he's almost made it, and he'll be able to remember the changes for the following practices.

Almost. He really almost makes it.

But there's a moment where he looks in the mirror, where Renjun's turning and his gaze is on him, and everyone is changing formation around him. He moves on instinct, to follow everyone, but almost ends up running into Jeno.

Renjun laughs, pointing at him, and Donghyuck doesn't let the stress show, because he doesn't want to feel overwhelmed with it.

It's okay, it's okay, he did okay, better than expected, he tells himself. He expected to mess up at one point at least, and they're near the end, so he has to settle for admitting the mistake happened. A small one, but one nonetheless.

He sticks his tongue out at Renjun pettily for good measure, gives himself a moment, and finds his place in the choreography.

This is okay - Donghyuck's messed up plenty before, has ordered the delivery enough. Rarer than the other members, but it happens. It's easier to let that slide off his back.

It's okay, he'll just make sure to practice this after and drill it in until it's stuck in his memory. It'll be okay.

Renjun meets his gaze again moments later, a cheeky grin to his features, and Donghyuck pointedly rolls his eyes. At the very least, it’s lifted the mood, all of them excited to have dinner ordered by someone else, to have rare teasing rights about Donghyuck's mistake.

He manages to get to the end of the practice without any more drastic mistakes, but there are a couple of points where his mind processes a little slower, movements a fraction behind.

The choreographer finishes up their practice, reminding them to revise over the changed choreography, and Donghyuck fights the urge to duck his head. He will be doing so, after all. Will make sure he's got this.

Chenle drapes himself over Donghyuck's back, despite both of them being sweaty and still recovering from their run-through, and Donghyuck can see the bright grin on his face.

"Hot pot! Bought by Donghyuck-hyung!" He cheers, and the others are quick to join in with the excitement, forming a little circle and jumping around.

Donghyuck waves a hand, playing nonchalant. "Yeah yeah. Haechan food-ordering at your service, tell me what you idiots want."

"Isn't the idiot the one that forgets the choreography?" Renjun teases, and Donghyuck playfully shrugs off Chenle so he can step forward and pose at Renjun as intimidatingly as he can. Renjun laughs, scrambling backwards, but neither of them truly have the energy to chase each other.

Jeno takes hold of his hand anyway, stopping him from making any move forward, and pulls him down to the floor. Jaemin has already settled down, watching them fondly with his hands out behind him.

"Go get my phone, Jisungie," Donghyuck orders, in a sing-song tone, and Jisung folds his arms, unimpressed.

"You have limbs, hyung," Jisung retorts.

Donghyuck gasps in mock-offence. "Unbelievable, I can't believe you would treat me this way, after everything I've done for you." He turns to Jaemin, who's watching with a laugh on his lips. "Can you believe our baby disrespects us like this?"

"He's not disrespecting Jaemin-hyung at the moment. Just you," Chenle pipes up.

"We are your _parents,"_ Donghyuck stresses. "A team, a unit, an unstoppable duo. If you disrespect one, you disrespect the other."

"What are we, then?" Jeno asks, gesturing to himself and Renjun.

"The unfunny uncle," Donghyuck replies, pointing at Jeno. He then turns to Renjun, thinking about the fact he was the one to call out the mistake. "And _you._ You are disowned, so it doesn't matter."

Renjun's eyes narrow, unimpressed and ready to reply, but Jisung replies first. "I'd like to disown myself."

Donghyuck takes a moment, then smiles overly-sweetly at him. "Okay, great. Then that's one less person getting hot pot."

Jisung's mouth drops, and his eyes immediately widen. Donghyuck always melts just a little, so he's intent on cutting off Jisung before he starts pleading. "Actually, none of you are getting hot pot unless I magically have my phone in my hand to order it."

Jaemin, surprisingly, is the one to move. There's a couple of them still standing, but it's Jaemin that gets up off the floor and goes over to their bags.

Everyone begins to discuss what to order, and Donghyuck just watches Jaemin silently as he heads back over, Donghyuck's bag in his hands. Jaemin pulls out the water bottle, handing it to him first, and Donghyuck brushes over his hands with unspoken thanks.

Jaemin sits back down, going through Donghyuck's bag for him to pull out his phone. They trade items once Donghyuck's finished drinking, and Jaemin takes a drink from it as well.

The others crowd around, telling him their orders, and he puts them in. His fingers hover over the menu for a moment, trying to decide if there's anything he wants to add.

He feels a little hollow, he reflects. Though he's usually hungry after practice, he finds that he doesn't feel that usual hunger. Just feels a bit empty, maybe. Drained.

Without adding his own preferences, he places the order. He figures they usually share all the meals anyway, and he'll probably feel hungry by the time it arrives - almost an hour away.

Enough time to practice, at the very least. They take some time to rest, spreading around the room. Donghyuck places himself in front of the mirror and practices, making sure he goes over the parts he faltered in.

Jeno comes over first, quietly watching over and only making a couple of suggestions. Renjun comes over too, walking it through beside him, helping him when he pauses.

It doesn't take long for the others to follow. They're playful as they all go over it with him, keeping the atmosphere light. But they're considerate, too - if it takes him a little longer than it usually does, they patiently break it down and go over it with him until he's satisfied.

Though he still feels heavy, a sense of worry underlying everything at the fact he shouldn't be like this, they certainly help make him feel better. By the time the food is delivered, he feels confident that he knows the choreography.

Jaemin comes with him to collect the food from the foyer. They brush shoulders as they walk, bumping into each other affectionately - nothing unusual for them, nothing that gives them a second-glance as they walk through the building.

When they return, take-out bags in hand, they're swarmed by the others, hungrier than ever. They place it down, everyone sitting down on the floor, and start to open up the bags.

Jaemin scans over everything for a moment, and Donghyuck watches him grab particular items and place them in certain spots. Dishes that certain members prefer end up in front of them, and Donghyuck is no exception.

Donghyuck splays a hand across Jaemin's back to show he's thankful for the consideration. The others are quick to dig in, but Donghyuck is less so.

Instead of hunger, uneasiness has settled in his stomach. He feels on edge, like he's on the brink of something - worried that he'll slip again.

Jaemin's fingers tangle around his wrist all of a sudden, almost making him drop his chopsticks.

"Come here," Jaemin mumbles to him, tugging at his wrist. Jaemin scoots back a little, spreading his legs and tugging Donghyuck so that he's sitting between them.

Jaemin moves them until they're both comfortable, Donghyuck's back pressed against Jaemin's front. Jaemin rests his chin on Donghyuck's shoulder, content with resting against him.

"Feed me," Jaemin pleads, voice dripping with disgustingly sweetness, a purposeful cute act. Next to them, Renjun gags at the tone, and Donghyuck looks across their little circle to see Chenle mimicking it.

He looks over to see Jeno, who's watching them with a thoughtful expression. Realising he's been caught, Jeno's face changes into a small, soft smile for him, but the moment breaks as Jeno focuses on the food instead.

"You're a baby," Donghyuck teases Jaemin quietly. It's not like they're usually not affectionate in front of the others, and it's not like the other members don't know about them.

But something feels a little more intimate, more softer than usual between them. The others probably don't mind as much as Donghyuck worries, but he does his best to keep his voice down so that the others don't feel like they're just listening in to a private conversation.

Jaemin just makes a cute " _hng!_ " kind of noise that has Donghyuck shrinking in embarrassment. Worse, he finds himself _endeared._ Jaemin opens up his mouth, a waiting invitation, and Donghyuck resigns himself to feeding Jaemin.

When he goes for the second mouthful, Jaemin shakes his head. "Now you," he says.

One of his hands is wrapped around Donghyuck's middle, and he pokes at Donghyuck's stomach when Donghyuck goes to whine at him. Donghyuck rolls his eyes but complies.

It continues a bit like that, with Jaemin making Donghyuck have every second mouthful. Jaemin eventually moves so that he can properly have some soup, but stays closely pressed against Donghyuck's side.

"Okay," Jeno says, as they all start to clean up the dishes. "We have another hour until we're picked up. Let's just go over a few things so we're prepared for tomorrow."

Thankfully, Donghyuck remembers everything this time, stays present and grounded for the rest of the practice. Feels a lot more confident he'll be fine and back to normal tomorrow.

When they head back to the dorms, Donghyuck and Jaemin sitting beside each other with intertwined fingers, he considers asking to stay at the Dream dorm tonight. To fall asleep closely pressed to Jaemin in a too-small bed.

He keeps quiet though, leaving first for his dorm, and Jaemin lets him go with a squeeze of his hand and a small little finger-heart. They keep their affections quieter in front of anyone that's not their members, and their manager's gaze - however warm - is a presence they're all too aware of.

Later, lying in bed with Johnny already asleep, he stares at the wall. Thinks over the day - thinks about the stomach-sinking fear that had washed over him the moment he realised he had drifted. Felt like he wasn’t even in his own body.

It's not the first time it's happened, but usually he realises it with a muted, distant understanding. Usually there's a slow, sinking descent into it - warnings, knowing in advance he'll probably drift.

Never gets jarred back into himself so suddenly, not after having days so good that he hadn't even considered it to happen. He knows that he's been drifting more frequently lately, but the last couple of days have just been so different that he wasn't prepared for it.

It's hard to sleep. He misses Jaemin, suddenly, achingly. He felt the most grounded and secure with his boyfriend wrapped around him, and it's a loss he feels all too much now.

Selfish, he thinks to himself. It's a selfish desire and he knows it - but understanding that doesn't make it any easier to fall asleep on his own.

The night is long, and it takes all too much of it to fall into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Even though things are calmer in their schedule, no day is quite the same.

Some days it's practice with Dream, some with 127, some days with both. Mark's started to join them again when there's Dream practices - gearing up for a new comeback with the seven of them.

Some days it's just group practice, some days it's filming, some days it's just barely anything at all other than private practice. No one day is quite the same.

But they're still blurring together for Donghyuck. He's prepared this time for this feeling. Suspected it would happen after the Dream practice where he was jarred back into reality.

Memories feel distant, like they belong to someone else entirely. His emotions feel muted and suppressed, out of reach.

He knows he should be worrying, but - it's hard to care about it when he's drained, when he doesn't even have the energy to properly feel concern.

He knows he should care, that this is not really normal. But usually the feeling passes, a few days at maximum, and everything feels bright and lively again. It'll pass, and Donghyuck will be fine.

He's always fine.

* * *

"Have you and Jaemin-hyung switched souls?" Jisung asks him from his spot on the couch. Donghyuck’s sitting at the other end on his phone.

It's been a few days since they've had any Dream activities, and as they always tend to do, they drift back together. This means all of them in the Dream dorm, except for Jeno and Mark who have taken a walk somewhere.

Renjun and Jaemin are in one of their rooms to get some pillows and blankets to move into the main room, and are probably arguing about what everyone wants to watch.

Donghyuck frowns with confusion. He'd been drifting a bit, but the conversation snaps him back. "What?"

Chenle, who's standing in the middle of the room, takes a moment before he seems to catch onto whatever Jisung's implying. He lets out a loud "ah!" as he claps his hands together.

"How am I Jaemin?" Donghyuck presses, still confused. They're very different people, but Donghyuck's been told that lately he's mirroring some of Jaemin's behaviours, picking up on little habits.

He thought that is more to do with the fact they're dating, that it's a normal thing to end up reflecting the behaviours of someone you love.

Or, potentially, a voice in the back of his head starts to say. Maybe he's overcompensating when he's trying to mask the emptiness that's currently hollowing him. He's doing his best to keep his bright, energetic attitude - an act, just faulting back to what he _knows_ is expected of him, how he usually is.

He might be accidentally acting like Jaemin, though. His own energy isn't authentic, just masking, and maybe he's just accidentally matching Jaemin's behaviours to try and feel more real.

"Hyung," Chenle gets his attention, a tilt to his head. "What's this from?"

He does some movements, a dance that Donghyuck thinks maybe he's seen before somewhere. Vaguely familiar, definitely familiar once upon a time, but Donghyuck blanks on if it's Dream or 127's choreography.

Chenle stops, looking at Donghyuck pointedly. "See! It's like Jaemin-hyung forgetting things!"

Donghyuck grabs the pillow behind him and throws it at Chenle, who laughs and ducks, avoiding the hit.

"Hyung does have two units to memorise, to be fair..." Jisung trails off, contemplating.

"You're my favourite child," he declares. He doesn't like bringing up that he's ever got so much work, not around any of the members. He knows how lucky he is to be in both units, treasures the work and effort that goes into both, and never takes it for granted.

Never says he's tired because of either of them, that he's working so hard and feels so exhausted because of it. He never lets them see just how tired he is, never tries to blame anything lacking on the fact he's doing so much.

"That's never been a problem before," Chenle argues, narrowing his eyes. Jisung hums in agreement - he was probably thinking the same, after all, to be the one to bring it up.

"What's a problem?" Renjun and Jaemin walk back into the room, armed with pillows and blankets.

"You're turning Haechan-hyung into yourself." Chenle replies, pointing between Jaemin and Donghyuck. "Stop kissing and being all... _bleugh_ , obviously it's causing you to lose brain cells."

Jaemin is understandably confused, but Renjun just snorts and goes with it. "Neither of them have any brain cells to start with, Chenle-ah."

Donghyuck's hands itch for another pillow to throw, but he's used up his ammunition.

Jaemin drops the pile in his hands to the floor, and goes to collect the earlier one thrown at Chenle to add to it.

He whirls to Donghyuck, then there's a mischevious lift to his lips which has Donghyuck intrigued, already set to play along with whatever Jaemin's thinking. Jaemin drops into his lap, and they easily wrap around each other.

"My _honey-bun,_ my sweetie-pie, light of my life," Jaemin coos, and Donghyuck tries not to laugh at the faces the others pull. "The sun in the sky, my sweetheart Haechannie."

"Oh my god, _ew,_ " Jisung says in English, as Renjun grabs one of the pillows on the ground and hauls it at the two of them. Donghyuck blocks it, sticking his tongue out at Renjun.

"Yes, love of my life?" Donghyuck replies, matching Jaemin's exaggerated tone. "Ask for anything in the world, and you will get it."

Jaemin hums in consideration. "I want a kiss, of course. For us to be all... Hm, how was it said? _Bleugh._ I want us to be the most _bleugh_ thing people have ever seen."

"You want to _traumatise_ me," Chenle cries out, obviously regretting his choice of words now.

It's not a serious request - they don't kiss in front of the others. Not unless they accidentally walk in, which has unfortunately happened once or twice. Romantic affections are just something they both like to keep private - and they have enough decency to know the others probably don't want to see two of their members doing such things.

Jaemin looks like he's seriously about to consider breaking their little unspoken rule though, just to rile up the others. Donghyuck's willing to go whichever way Jaemin wants, but it doesn't matter anyway, as Renjun comes in and pulls Jaemin forcefully off Donghyuck's lap.

Jaemin lands in a heap on the floor, snickering. Renjun sits on top of him, just to prevent his predictable move of scrambling up and back into Donghyuck's lap.

"Truly hate you both," Renjun tells them, moving so he can hit Donghyuck's leg.

Jaemin is doing his best to reach up, lips pouted and acting like he's going to kiss Renjun instead now.

Naturally, things devolve. By the time Jeno and Mark walk back into the dorm, bags in their hands filled with snacks, the room is a battlefield of pillows thrown around. There's blankets everywhere, and all of them are trying to tackle each other.

"What the fuck," Mark laughs as he walks in, a little nervous at the sight of them. "You guys good?"

Jeno just sighs from beside him. Everyone turns to look at them with matching smiles, bright and mischevious, the original reason they're tackling each other basically forgotten.

Donghyuck thinks _this is a good moment._ That it should be one of his best memories.

It's just that he knows happiness and excitement should be bursting through his skin. He should be so happy that his stomach hurts with laughter, his cheeks painful, throat sore.

But everything feels a little like it's been covered in clear plastic wrap. Unreachable.

He is happy, he thinks. It just feels a little distant, like everything else does.

There's nothing he can really do about it at the moment though, so he shoves his thoughts down and helps everyone set up their room for their snacks and movies night.

He goes to lie near Jaemin without thinking about it, and Chenle makes an exaggerated disgruntled noise. "Do _not_ be gross," he threatens, glaring at them.

Donghyuck throws up his hands in surrender, while Jaemin just reaches out to squeeze Chenle's cheeks. "Ah, my precious baby. Of course not, of course not."

Mark's gaze turns to Donghyuck, raising an eyebrow at him. Donghyuck just waves off the concern, lying down beside Jaemin.

Mark was, after all, the first to find out about Donghyuck's feelings for Jaemin. Had sat and talked with him through the panic of trying to understand that he liked boys - that he liked _Jaemin._

Though Mark was - and still _is -_ very awkward about it all, Donghyuck's thankful for his reassurance. For helping the two of them get together, for helping them when it came to revealing it to the rest of the group.

There were other talks about it, as Mark took his leadership role seriously. Nothing too bad, but just the reminder that they need to be careful with the dynamics between the rest of them.

It hasn't been an issue, as Jaemin and Donghyuck keep things private, and only flaunt it as a joke in front of the others. It's rare for anyone in the group to actually bring it up, to even address the fact the two are boyfriends.

It's probably a bit strange to have Chenle imply that Jaemin and Donghyuck had done something to even be gross in front of the others. Everyone's used to their normal platonic affections with everyone being overly-indulgent, so it usually has to be pretty extreme to get such a reaction.

Thankfully, Mark lets it drop easily. They all argue for a bit about movie choices, even though it was already pre-emptively decided in their group chat.

Donghyuck isn't too invested in the movie choices. He argues for the sake of appearances for his usual favourite, but finds that he really doesn't care which movie they end up with regardless.

With the movie finally settled - going with Jisung's decision in the end, Donghyuck curls into Jaemin's side. Jaemin puts his arm under Donghyuck, stroking his side, carefully out of view for the rest of them.

The feeling of contentment begins to expand in his chest, and he sighs a little with the relief that an emotion finally is filling his chest. It's calming, reassuring, and he's happy to let it fill up the hollowness inside of him.

It'll fade, at the end of the night. Rather than focusing on that, he tightens his hold on Jaemin, and _love -_ love has always been here, he thinks.

Even when there's times he feels numb, love is always with him. Given to and by Jaemin.

* * *

It's easing up, he thinks.

The weird cloud that numbs everything has stayed around for much longer than usual. It's been almost three weeks since it's really covered everything, made him feel so disconnected all the time.

Too long, but it's not like he really has the energy to care about it. He notices that it eases up with other people, and has been getting quicker at doing so in the last few days.

It's easier to ground himself around others.

It's why he opens Doyoung's door in the afternoon, hoping to get him for a meal. It's been a while since they've gone out together, and Doyoung is usually one of the ones - without realising - that helps to push out the numbness.

Their lighthearted back-and-forths are easy, something he knows he can do today. He can fall back into it, without giving himself away at all, and it'll be nice - as it always is - with his hyung.

He's been feeling cramped in the dorms too. Stagnant. He needs to get out for a bit, the urge twisting, making him feel restless.

"Doyoungie-hyung," he announces, stepping into the room. Doyoung's looking in his closet, turning at his entrance.

Doyoung takes a moment to assess why Donghyuck might be in his room. He must realise Donghyuck isn't here to annoy him, as he tends to do when he's bored, because he relaxes.

"Haechannie," Doyoung smiles welcomingly at him. "What's up?"

"Let's go get dinner together." He sits on Doyoung's bed, swinging his feet back and forth.

"Ah," Doyoung says, a little frown to his lips, and Donghyuck feels his heart sink a little. "I'm really sorry, but I've got dinner plans already."

Donghyuck pouts at him. Sometimes Doyoung will cave, and Donghyuck really needs him to right now. "Hyungie," he tries. "Don't you want to eat with me?"

Doyoung pushes his hair back from his head. "Of course, Haechannie. But I already have plans. Let's go another night, okay?"

He switches tactics. "Who're you going with? Can I come? You can eat with multiple people, you know."

"And so can you," Doyoung retorts. "We have lots of members in this building, you can ask at least one of them? Or surely someone from Dream. Even WayV, Haechannie. You've got many other options, you know."

The issue is that Donghyuck wants the ease, the familiarity of Doyoung. The comfort of his hyung. "I want to eat with you," Donghyuck whines. Doyoung sighs, coming over to rub the top of his head.

"Another night, Haechannie. Why not take out someone from the other floor? I'm sure Jungwoo will jump at any opportunity to eat," Doyoung advises, and Donghyuck huffs.

"Fine, _fine._ I will then," he relents, knocking away Doyoung's hand from his head that feels all too pitiful. "Next time, you're paying for upsetting me."

"I _always_ pay for you anyway," Doyoung replies. Donghyuck stands up, stepping past Doyoung, whose gaze is now starting to look a little too closely, starting to realise he's actually upset Donghyuck.

But Donghyuck suddenly just feels too exposed, too _much,_ and leaves Doyoung's room with a dismissive wave of his hand, telling Doyoung to have a good night.

The numbness _has_ been pushed down. Drowned out with disappointment and embarrassment, and Donghyuck thinks he'd prefer to be numb now.

He knows he can ask any other member. Can force at least one member out from this floor, or just throw it out to the open on the other floor and would probably get all of them.

It just seems like too much effort now. To put up an appearance, to hide how he's upset at being rejected, feeling like he was on the brink of a breakthrough with this cloud - and now ultimately feeling worse that it's been pushed away.

That night, he doesn't end up going anywhere. Just makes himself some ramen, unable to decide on what he wants to order, unbothered to put energy into anything more complex to cook.

He still feels restless, disappointed, embarrassed at being rejected.

So when he feels the numbness starting to creep back in, he lets it.

* * *

A few days later, he sends a message in the 127 group chat asking if anyone wants to come get some lunch with him as he heads home from private practice.

He's having periods of restlessness again in the dorm, doesn't want to go back just yet. He's just been bunkering down and watching things he's watched before, not interested in starting anything new.

He knows his mistake immediately, but it's too late to take it back. Some of them have the group chat muted except for important notifications, and most of them don't respond unless directly asked.

He should've directly asked someone, _anyone,_ but he was stuck with who to ask. So he sent out a message to the group chat, and has forgotten that's the _worst_ way to get any of them out.

Asking someone directly now will probably look desperate, so he just resigns himself to the fact none of them will reply to him, all of them thinking at least one other has taken up the offer privately.

He lingers around the company building for a bit, in the hopes maybe someone will take him up on his offer before he starts to head home.

When it becomes apparent that it won't happen, he dejectedly takes a taxi back to the dorms. He's restless, but being outside on his own just feels overwhelming, the world too big to deal with right now.

No one's in the main room when he enters the dorm, and he's glad for it. He doesn't want to see any sympathetic realisations that no one took up his offer.

He does shoot a message to Johnny when he gets to their room and sees the other isn't in. Johnny replies that he's out with friends for the day, that he told him this the night before.

Donghyuck shrugs it off, because he's been blanking out a fair bit more with the smaller things. He knows Johnny's picking up on it, but he's been working extra hard to cover himself around Johnny, so he's still got some time before he's confronted.

Everything just feels a little too much, a little too overwhelming, even if he's struggling to feel anything at all lately. It’s an awful mix.

He opens up his chat with Jaemin, not giving himself the time to think about it.

**Jaeminnie baby** 💚

Come over?? Bring some lunch with you too pls 💚  
2:54PM

Lunch?? Baby it's 3pm?? You better have eaten something already! >:(  
2:58PM

Before practice~ Now I'm hungry lol, bring me something? 🥺  
2:59PM

You're lucky you're cute. Anything in particular?  
2:59PM

Surprise me pls, will pay u  
3:00PM

Yeah yeah, I'll head over now 💚 Can't stay long though :(  
3:01PM

Donghyuck sends a barrage of stickers to emphasise his gratitude. The room feels a little too empty, too encompassing on his own, and he does his best to ignore it as he gets changed into more comfortable clothing.

He has practice later with 127, but he's hoping Jaemin can stay around until he needs to leave for it.

Time passes without Donghyuck properly realising it. The sound of voices in the main room gets his attention suddenly, hearing Jaemin as he greets someone - Taeyong, he figures.

Everyone in the dorm knows that an appearance by Jaemin is, 95% of the time, for Donghyuck. Taeyong doesn't question him, they just have a quick exchange of how their day is going, and then Donghyuck's ajar door is being opened properly.

Jaemin holds up the bags of food in greeting, shutting the door behind him. Donghyuck circles his arms around Jaemin, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you," Donghyuck tells him, maybe a little too seriously. Jaemin tilts his head, hearing the tone, but Jaemin seems to sense it wasn't intentional, so he doesn't address it. Still, the happy smile on his lips gives away how much it means to him.

"You always love me when there's food," Jaemin replies. As Donghyuck refuses to let go of him, Jaemin shuffles over to Donghyuck's bed, placing the bags down on the folded table already set up on it.

"Where's Johnny?" Jaemin asks, stretching out on Donghyuck's bed.

"Out with friends apparently. He probably won't be home until after practice," he answers, opening up the bags and grinning.

It's not so much the actual food that excites him, but the fact that Jaemin's gone out and gotten one of Donghyuck's favourite meals. There's something for Jaemin too, and he passes it over as they make themselves comfortable.

Pressed up against each other, Jaemin's attention is on his phone as Donghyuck eats, also watching Jaemin's screen. They don't really need conversation, neither feeling the need to break the comfortable silence.

"What time do you need to go?" He eventually asks Jaemin, moving the rubbish off his bed and onto his desk to deal with later.

Jaemin double checks the time, a frown on his lips. "In half an hour."

Not long at all, and Donghyuck smothers his disappointment. He knows he's lucky that Jaemin's come by at all, especially with food for him.

Jaemin puts his phone with the screen down on the bed, spreading his arms as an invitation. Donghyuck climbs on his lap, legs bracketing Jaemin's hips.

Jaemin's hands settle on Donghyuck's waist, a cheeky smile on his face as they look at each other.

Donghyuck's fingers thread through Jaemin's hair for a bit, and he watches the way Jaemin melts under his touch. Jaemin snaps out of it after a moment, a cheeky lift to the corners of his lips.

"You said you'd pay me," Jaemin mutters, hands stroking up and down Donghyuck's side.

"Mhm," Donghyuck replies, intent on teasing just a little. "With my company, of course."

Jaemin smirks back. "Usually I wouldn't accept that, but I can make an exception if you add kisses to that payment."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but leans forward and gives a quick kiss to Jaemin's cheek. "You're ridiculous. And corny."

Jaemin's hands squeeze Donghyuck's waist, and he shudders a little with the tickling of it. "And underpaid," Jaemin adds on, and Donghyuck pointedly sighs.

Still, he leans forward, hands cupping Jaemin's cheeks as he pulls him closer. It's a soft, tentative brush of the lips at first. Both of them are happy to take it slow and sweet for the moment.

"I love you," Donghyuck manages to say between kisses, and he feels the way Jaemin lights up with the words.

He's trying to be better about saying it lately - he's one to show his affection, not say it, but he knows Jaemin sometimes just wants to hear it more than anything else.

Jaemin holds him a little tighter and more securely. He surges forward - almost enough to knock Donghyuck backwards - and kisses Donghyuck with a new level of intensity.

Jaemin's hands slip down for a moment, cupping his ass and squeezing playfully, and Donghyuck laughs into their kiss. Jaemin, endeared, just tries to kiss him more, which makes Donghyuck lose it even more because it feels a little ridiculous.

It's always a little ridiculous with them. It's natural, and it's one of Donghyuck's favourite things.

Jaemin starts to whine when he can no longer properly kiss him, and Donghyuck does his best to pepper Jaemin's face with kisses as an apology.

The atmosphere lasts for a bit, but starts to shift when Donghyuck calms down, finally meeting Jaemin's lip in a serious kiss. Jaemin reciprocates eagerly, enough so that he ends up repositioning them.

He takes Donghyuck's hips and coaxes him to lie down on top of him, before flipping them over so that it's Donghyuck's back on the bed with Jaemin on top of him.

Jaemin's taking some of his weight on an elbow, his other hand sliding across the bed until he finds Donghyuck's, interlacing their fingers together.

One of Jaemin's knees come up to rest between Donghyuck's legs as they kiss, and Donghyuck gasps as they press up against each other.

They don't have the time either of them want, but that doesn't seem to matter to either of them right now. It won't progress much further than this, but it's still enough to leave them both breathless, just on the edge of desperate, and - as always - very much in love with each other.

Donghyuck feels so much, he realises suddenly. The best kind of feeling - the love, the desire, his happiness here with Jaemin.

But he doesn't get to analyse it because Jaemin's not giving him the chance to. It doesn't relent until Jaemin's hand disconnects from his own, and Donghyuck doesn't know why until Jaemin groans.

He opens his eyes and follows Jaemin's gaze, where he's looking at the phone in his hand, doing a quick check of the time. It's passed by much quicker than either of them obviously expected, and Jaemin ducks his head into Donghyuck's shoulder to let out a frustrated noise.

Donghyuck pats at his back, both of them mourning their moment being ruined. Jaemin sits back on his heels, giving Donghyuck the space to prop himself up with his elbows.

Both of them are worked up, and the evidence is clear. Donghyuck feels a little guilty at Jaemin's current situation as he glances down.

"Uh, do you want to borrow an oversized jumper?" He asks, because they both know they don't have the time to deal with it.

Jaemin contemplates it for a moment, and although he can definitely be rather shameless, he takes up the offer. Donghyuck understands why - he wouldn't want the chance of running into Taeyong right now either.

"Sorry," Donghyuck blurts out as he passes one over. It's one of Johnny's that he kind of claimed as his own, but it's the best one he's got to cover Jaemin. The guilt is pressing in a little more now.

Jaemin shakes his head with a soft smile. "I think the appropriate thing to say is ' _you're welcome.'_ Nothing to apologise for."

Donghyuck suddenly figures out why he's feeling guilty. It's been a while since the two of them have hung out together, even longer since they've had actual time alone to do anything like this.

He thinks of all the times he could've messaged Jaemin in the past couple of weeks, could have invited him over, but chose not to.

Jaemin's over at the mirror, fixing up his hair. Donghyuck comes up to hug him from behind, pressing his face into Jaemin's shoulder.

Jaemin spins around, moving them so that he can pat down Donghyuck's own messy hair. "Let's finish this another time, hm?" Jaemin offers, seeing through Donghyuck all too well. "It's bad to have too many good things at once, after all. Better to stretch it out."

Donghyuck shoves at him, exasperated, knowing Jaemin's trying to cheer him up. Jaemin stands with him for another moment, the weight of time passing pressing on both of them, but Jaemin still takes the time to hold him a few moments longer.

Jaemin doesn't announce that he has to leave, just shifts a little, and Donghyuck gets the memo. He takes Jaemin's hands, leading him outside of the bedroom and to the front door.

"I love you," Jaemin says, scanning the empty room before pressing a kiss to his lips. "Have a good practice, Hyuckie."

"Love you. You too." Their fingers stay connected as long as they can be, but the door shuts between them, and Jaemin is no longer in sight.

Donghyuck's chest had opened up, love and happiness flooding in with Jaemin. But now he's alone, and it drains out him quickly. Leaves him feeling even more hollow and empty, missing Jaemin already.

The familiarity of the numbness is almost soothing when it starts to creep back in.

And that's fine, he figures. It's better than feeling so big and empty, hollowed out and aching. Better not to feel it at all.

* * *

He hasn't realised he'd been reaching out for more physical contact with the other members. Not until he notices he's being rejected a little more than usual.

It's easier to ground himself - still numb, but not so far away, when he's holding onto someone. He does it without even thinking properly about it, just sliding his hands into someone else's, draping himself over them, staying close to their side.

He knows he's one of the more physically affectionate members - definitely the most on his dorm floor. The others that match him, or are always tolerant to it, are up on the other floor or in another dorm entirely, and means he sees them a lot less.

He pieces it together when he's shrugged off quicker than usual, sometimes the same moment he touches someone. He knows they're not doing it to be rude, it's just that they've hit their limit on what they can tolerate, on what they can deal with before they start to feel a little overwhelmed.

Knows that they wouldn't do it if they knew Donghyuck was doing it because he kind of _needs_ it. If they knew how much he needs the help to escape the empty pit inside of him, to ease the terror of feeling like he's not even in his own body.

But Donghyuck doesn't want them to see how much he's struggling. He doesn't even know how to explain what's wrong with him, _why_ he feels like this when he shouldn't even have a reason to.

He's known as being happy, excited, energetic, and he doesn't want it to change.

He really gets the idea of just how _much_ he's being when Johnny groans as Donghyuck sits on his bed.

"Haechannie," he says, as kindly as he can despite the tiredness that's interlaced in his voice. "I love you, and I'm sorry, but I need a bit of space tonight."

Donghyuck makes sure Johnny can't see the way his face falls, the way there's a knot in his throat. It's not the first time Johnny's asked for space, and usually it's because Donghyuck's pushed his luck a little too much, been a little too annoying or playful that day.

Donghyuck usually responds dramatically, but leaves Johnny alone for the rest of the night, and there's no hard feelings about it.

He doesn't have the energy to be dramatic today, but he doesn't think Johnny's paying that much attention anyway. "Okay, hyung," is all he says, and he gets up and leaves the room. The disappointment feels too heavy in that room, too awkward for him to linger around when Johnny needs the space tonight.

It means he ends up kind of lingering in the main room for a while. He's feeling a little off, trying to think back as to how touchy he's been with the other members in the dorm.

He's met with a bit of a blank - it's natural for him, nothing he notices, and it was subconscious to reach out to the members for comfort.

It's frustrating because he can't compare what he's like now to what he's usually like, to try and figure out where limits are, how far he's pushed some of theirs. Fed up with thinking about it, he turns over from where he's lying on the couch, pressing his face into the back of it, determined to just go to sleep so he doesn't need to think about it.

He'll probably wake up when another member walks into the room, and he can just say he was watching something and never meant to fall asleep on the couch. An easy cover, and Johnny will probably be asleep by the time he needs to use it.

The next time he wakes up, it's not to someone shaking him awake, urging him to go sleep in his own bed. He wakes up already _in_ his own bed, and he's very confused because of it.

It's still dark, and he can hear Johnny snoring lightly beside him. He doesn't remember being woken up, but thinks maybe he's just lost even more time - nothing too strange for him anymore. It's a little confusing, maybe makes him a little panicked, but he urges it down. It's becoming pretty standard to lose time lately, so it makes sense.

His phone is on charge, resting on his headboard, which is a little strange. Donghyuck isn’t the greatest about remembering to charge his phone. Knows it wouldn't be a priority when waking up tired from the couch.

Someone probably did it for him. He looks over at Johnny, and hopes the other hadn't been the one to bring him back to the bedroom.

He's a little embarrassed, now. Without making up a false excuse, Johnny would have just assumed - well, what is the actual truth of it. Will have realised that he had actually upset Donghyuck, and probably guilty about making Donghyuck feel awkward in his own room.

Which means his plan to keep Johnny non-suspicious isn't exactly panning out, and he'll need to do some damage control. It sounds exhausting to deal with at the moment, though, and he rolls over to face the wall.

It's a problem for another time, he tells himself. He'll deal with it like he's dealing with everything else.

Ignoring it for later, and hoping later never comes.

* * *

He's pretty sure he's managed to avoid any confrontations with Johnny, acting bright and cheerful with the other, teasing and playing around. Johnny lets it go, it seems, and Donghyuck's relieved.

A lot of his affection redirects to Taeil, Jaehyun and Jungwoo when he gets the chance, who are the most tolerant to him. Taeil doesn't even blink as Donghyuck sticks himself to his side, threading their fingers together, even pressing a kiss to his hair - his own way of personally saying _thanks._

Jungwoo's physically affectionate like him, and they bounce well off each other. It's just that Jungwoo doesn't really stay in one place long, bouncing between members, and Donghyuck can feel a little awkward trailing after him.

Jaehyun typically lets Donghyuck sit in his lap, doesn’t mind letting Donghyuck play with his fingers. Jaehyun’s quieter with his own affection, but Donghyuck always feels so loved with him regardless.

By the second day of this, thoughts start to slip in. Reminders about Johnny telling him he needs space, about the members brushing him off.

Donghyuck _knows_ he shouldn't take it personally. That the members aren't doing it to upset him, they just generally need some space. It's a playful back-and-forth usually, Donghyuck whining for affection while he's exasperatingly brushed off.

He knows, he _knows_ Taeil doesn't mind when he's super affectionate. Still, he hesitates when he naturally goes to reach out to Taeil, pausing as he thinks maybe Taeil wants some space from him, that Donghyuck's been a bit much lately.

The hesitation costs him, because now he's doubtful. Stops himself from reaching out, and instead just places his hand in his pocket.

It's okay if he's drifting a bit today. He's used to it, and it's okay, he doesn't mind if it keeps the other members comfortable.

The feeling eases up a bit when he's with Dream, when it's so natural for them to be so physical with each other.

Jaemin comes up behind him to hug him, swaying side to side during practice. Renjun drapes an arm across his shoulders whenever they're close to each other. Chenle sits on his leg, uncaring that it's kind of going numb. Jisung sits close to him, pressing against him, using his thigh as a pillow during the break. Jeno ruffles through his hair, and initiates a hug with them all.

It's, admittedly, a little awkward with Mark. Lingering from his cloud with 127, and the knowledge that Mark is all around a little awkward with very directed physical contact.

But Mark is one of the people that can read him best, and Donghyuck does his best to keep up appearances because of it. It seems to work at least, because they talk about mundane enough things when they head back to their dorm building together.

He doesn't think he's getting any worse, per se.

It's kind of just stagnant, kind of just a constant now. The numbness is familiar, and he's become used to the way he's missing time, hours of the day where any memories he might retain are blurry, like someone else's.

There's something in the back of his mind that tells him _this is not normal. This cannot continue._

Donghyuck hears it. He just doesn't acknowledge it.

* * *

"Haechannie," Doyoung greets as Donghyuck walks through the door, a couple of days after Donghyuck's started to reclude.

Donghyuck muses that he hasn't been feeling like _Haechan_ in a while. That he can't live up to that name right now, and hearing it just feels like a heavier burden.

"Let's go get lunch," Doyoung interrupts his thoughts. "We never made up for that other time, after all. Whatever you want."

Doyoung looks like he regrets saying _whatever you want,_ because they know Donghyuck should take that inch and run a mile with it.

This should excite him, he thinks. Being asked to go out and eat, especially by someone else offering it, is always something he loves. Means they seeked out his specific company, that they're not just settling for it because he asked them to.

And not to mention, Doyoung's basically insinuating he'll treat Donghyuck to whatever, which is rare. Doyoung usually folds into whatever Donghyuck wants to eat anyway, but it takes a _lot_ of bargaining and pleading for it to happen.

There's no excitement, however. Donghyuck is just met with dread.

He doesn't _know_ what he wants. Doesn't feel in the mood for anything, doesn't care what he's eating. There's a bit of a crisis in his mind, because Doyoung's forcing him to address the fact that Donghyuck doesn't _like_ the thought of anything-

And that's worrying, he thinks. It should be. The fact that something he usually loves, a combination of food and eating with someone, is only met with dread.

He pushes it down, because it's easier to ignore that worry than deal with it.

A few days ago, he might've been able to be more enthusiastic. Maybe put in effort to say " _well actually, there's a new restaurant I really want to try!"_ to appear completely inconspicuous. Because he'd lie, he's been there before, knows exactly what's safe to order, because that's just easier.

These past few days, however, have just been feeling empty. He's worried that Doyoung will be able to see that, especially when they're out to a meal together with most of Doyoung's attention focused on him.

"Ah no, hyung," he whines, dragging the words out. "I can't today."

Doyoung's eyebrows raise. "You're... Seriously passing this up? What the hell have you got on today?"

And whoops, it's definitely a little suspicious that he's not pushing back something for this opportunity. Doyoung probably knows he doesn't have any practices, so he can't use those as an excuse.

How much can he get away with? How much does Doyoung know? Will he know that Donghyuck's lying if he mentions plans with any other member?

"You know I wouldn't unless I didn't have a choice, Doyoungie-hyung," he sighs dramatically, a frown pulling at his lips. He comes over to the couch where Doyoung is sitting, squeezing his cheeks together as he stands before him. "You still owe it up to me, okay? But let's go another day."

"After practice tomorrow?" Doyoung replies, and Donghyuck does his best to keep his expression calm, despite the fact he really isn't prepared for Doyoung to press this.

"You two planning to get up to trouble?" Taeyong's voice suddenly enters the room, and there's only a _little_ bit of concern in his tone, which means he mostly believes that they're not doing that.

"Always," Donghyuck replies innocently, at the exact same time Doyoung says "never."

Taeyong laughs, heading to the fridge. "Okay, well, be safe about it."

This time, it's Donghyuck that says "never", and it's Doyoung that says "always."

Taeyong shakes his head with amusement, rifling through their shelves to find something. Donghyuck thinks it's been a while since he's cooked, that maybe he should do that. He entertains the thought for a moment, then focuses on how he's going to get out of the conversation.

He needs to cover for apparently making plans more important than getting food with Doyoung, after all. Thankfully, Doyoung and Taeyong slip into conversation and it's fairly easy for Donghyuck to leave to his room.

Changing into something that keeps him a little more discreet in public, he makes sure to grab his phone, shoving it in a small bag so that it looks like he's actually got important enough plans with something that requires such a thing.

He slips out of their dorm with a quick "bye hyungs!", avoiding both Doyoung and Taeyong's questions.

It's been a while since he's done really anything outside without a schedule, and he feels a little overwhelmed. He doesn't know _what_ to do, just knows he should probably stop lingering around the dorm building in case he runs into Doyoung.

He could catch a bus, maybe. Go anywhere, see where he ends up, figure his way back home. It's a little too much effort when he thinks about it though. Knows he'll get overwhelmingly tired all too quickly into the journey.

He's still standing outside the building, trying to think of _anything,_ just _one_ thing that appeals to him.

"Oh, Haechannie," someone says, and he turns to see Yuta exiting the building.

"Hyung! Hi, where're you going?" He asks, naturally curious.

Yuta shrugs. "Out with friends, actually. How about you?"

"Same," Donghyuck replies immediately, because that's easiest. Then he stresses that maybe Yuta will end up mentioning it to Doyoung, that Doyoung will get suspicious - and god, what a mess of lies. For what? Just because he can't get it together and figure out what he wants to eat? Because he's scared someone will see that he's not the same _Haechan_ they're used to?

"Where abouts?" Yuta prompts, and now Donghyuck's brain is firing in worry for another reason. "Maybe we're in the same direction."

Damnit, Donghyuck should've asked first and headed in the opposite direction to that.

"Uh, Myeongdong, actually," he says, because it's a place neither of them would really venture out to in the daytime. Too crowded, too many people, and they're all too easy to recognise when they have brand deals and their faces plastered all over the beauty shops.

Yuta raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Myeongdong," he repeats blankly, and Donghyuck feels like he really hasn't gotten away with it as an answer.

He has to commit to it now, however. He nods, folding his arms. "Yeah. A quieter part, it'll be fine."

" _Myeongdong,_ Donghyuck-ah."

Donghyuck shrugs helplessly. "Yeah, well, I didn't pick it."

Yuta narrows his eyes. "Right. Sure." Then he takes a breath, an arm slinging across Donghyuck's shoulders. "There's something going on with you."

Donghyuck's heartbeat picks up frantically, his stomach sinking, but he scoffs, shaking his head, trying to play it off. "Why-"

"Save it," Yuta cuts him off. "We both know you'll just lie to me."

"Hyung," he says a little uncertainly, unsure of how to respond. Yuta's other hand comes up to take off his cap, then proceeds to ruffle up his hair affectionately.

"You have so many people that care, Hyuckie. Hyungs and friends that will listen, and try to help, if you just talk to them. Just remember that, hm?" Yuta tells him. There's no one around them, no chance of being overheard, but Yuta ducks his head down so it's spoken quieter, more personal.

Donghyuck's still not too sure what to say to that, so he just nods. Yuta ruffles his hair again before fixing the cap back on his head. "I'm not the first to notice. I doubt I'll be the last to say something about it. Just letting you know."

Yuta releases his grip, taking a step back and waving as he walks off. "Have a good day today, okay? See you."

"You too," Donghyuck manages to get out, and Yuta shoots him some finger-guns before he's out of view.

Donghyuck exhales heavily.

And then, he starts to walk. Doesn't know where he'll end up, where he's heading. It hardly matters - he just needs to be away from the dorms for a moment, leave behind the paranoia of feeling like everyone will be able to dissect him, to see what he's trying to hide from them too easily.

He doesn't return home until much later. No one's in the main room when he steps in, but Johnny's waiting for him, giving Donghyuck a warming smile.

Donghyuck returns it as best as he can - but now he's worried Johnny will notice. Will know that Donghyuck was just walking around aimlessly, trying to focus on anything other than the feeling of how numb he is, how disconnected everything feels.

Johnny doesn't say anything. He might notice it, but he doesn't address it, and Donghyuck's relieved.

There's something heavy in his chest - something that's been building a while, expanding, getting heavier. He takes a deep breath, and he ignores it.

* * *

Maybe he should've been listening more to the voice in his head telling him he couldn't keep going like this.

It might have made him a little more prepared, at least. For when everything builds up, crashes over him. For when he inevitably falls apart.

He's in a practice room, late at night. Some of the 10th floor residents ate dinner with them, and Donghyuck just feels disconnected, but yet all too _aware_ of the staring. Mark and Yuta are particularly watching him closely.

Eager to escape, he headed out for the practice room. Thinks that after everything, this should be the spot he ends up, right? As he usually does when everything feels a bit too big.

He can dance and sing and just do whatever he needs to get the thoughts of his head. The reminders that everyone's probably watching him, knowing that something isn't okay, even if it should be, even if Donghyuck _should goddamn be okay._

That's the plan, at least.

Then he goes to turn on a playlist, and can't find any music that he wants to listen to. Nothing to dance to, nothing to sing along to. Nothing sparks any excitement, any joy, not even old favourites that he _knows_ he loves.

And this - this is what he loves, isn't it? Performing. Singing. Dancing. Music. He loves these things.

He _does._ So why is he empty?

Maybe it's finally the realisation, now. The proof that this numb, empty echo in his chest isn't okay, he's not okay, nothing seems to be.

He looks in the mirror, and suddenly thinks _I do not want to be here._

It's a startling thought. One he hasn’t had before. He’s always wanted to be here - even when practice is gruelling and hard.

Emotions aren't helping him, so he thinks to himself and asks logically, _okay. If not here, where?_

 _Nowhere_ , the answer is.

He doesn't want to _be_ anywhere. Doesn't feel like he is, like he's even in his own body, like anything around him will spark any enjoyment, any emotions. He's just so _empty_.

It's not okay.

He doesn't want to feel this way anymore. He doesn't _want_ to be empty. He wants to be happy, to feel joy, to feel the love for things he always has.

Looking down at his phone, he takes a moment to consider. He _wants_ to be better. He doesn't want to let this slip through his fingers, to go back to feeling like he has for so long now.

Fuck, it's been so long.

It's late at night, but not horridly so. He calls Jaemin, hoping he's still awake, and finds himself sinking to the floor. Back to the wall, he takes a shuddering breath in, looking at himself from across the room in the mirror.

The phone dialling makes him uneasy, unnerved. There's a part of him hoping maybe Jaemin won't pick up, that this will settle, that he can ignore this whole problem again. It'll be easier to do that than deal with it, than admit it.

Jaemin answers, sounding a little groggy. "Baby?"

They're not ones to randomly call each other without warning, even if it's a single message a second before dialling.

"Hey," he replies, and finds that his voice is shaky. He clears his throat, trying not to worry Jaemin, already feeling guilty for apparently waking him up. "What are you up to?"

"Just... napping on the couch, apparently," Jaemin replies, voice light - but Donghyuck can hear the caution, the worry setting in now that he's more alert. "You okay?"

"Um," Donghyuck replies, because - well. That's the thing, isn't it? He's really not okay, but admitting it is so hard.

"Where are you, baby?" Jaemin asks quietly, and Donghyuck can already hear him moving around.

"In... In a practice room. The smaller one," he answers, but then winces when he hears Jaemin speaking in low tones, just catching that he's telling Jeno he's heading out. "Listen, it's - you don't need to come here, Jaeminnie."

"I _want_ to, so you better stay right there until I get there, okay?" Jaemin immediately refutes, stubborn. Donghyuck knows there's nothing he can do now that will stop Jaemin from coming, unless he directly asks for him not to.

But Donghyuck can't do that. He's been acting a while now, and he's tired, so tired of the lies. So he just nods, then feels like an idiot when Jaemin can't see it, so he hums in affirmation.

"I'm getting a taxi," Jaemin tells him, walking him through as he heads to the building. It's unspoken that neither of them will hang up, and Donghyuck's so grateful.

It's not far of a journey, but long enough for Donghyuck to try and desperately get his mind elsewhere. "So, what did Jeno say?"

"I mean, it's not like any of us to really go out on our own this late," Jaemin replies. "So he just said to be safe. I think he knew I was in a hurry, and I expect my phone to be blowing up with messages right about now."

Jaemin seems to have pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment, because he says "yep, about ten texts just came through."

Donghyuck does his best to laugh a little, but is a little mortified to find it's kind of watery. Jaemin doesn't say anything about it, and instead talks about some of the people he sees walking the streets.

"Oh, she has a cute dog!" He coos at one point. Then, at another, "if I could teleport, I think I'd teleport into that store, you know the one on the corner? Where we always got our snacks."

"Would have been useful as trainees to escape managers," Donghyuck mutters, and Jaemin laughs with delight.

"You're so right. Much better than invisibility, you're in and out in a second. They wouldn't even notice you've disappeared. Damn, now that's a good superpower," Jaemin muses. "Especially for midnight snacking, which is the most important thing to have a power for."

It's helping to keep Donghyuck's mind from spiralling - just casual, lighthearted conversation. Jaemin being as silly and endearing as ever.

"Okay, I'm out the front of the building. I'll be in there in a minute, I'm just going to put you on speaker so I can reply to Jeno, because I think he might actually pass out from stress if I leave him on _seen_ any longer."

Donghyuck holds his breath. Like he doesn't want anyone to overhear Jaemin's phone, to hear the tremble in his tone, the evidence that he's so close to breaking.

Jaemin talks aloud as he replies, telling Jeno he's fine, don't worry, he may or may not be home before morning so don't bother waiting up.

Donghyuck feels even more guilty for it, for causing Jaemin to worry, now Jeno to worry about _Jaemin._

"Okay," Jaemin draws the word out with a lilt to his voice. "Walking, walking. Oh, hello."

He's hurriedly greeting people as he seems to pass them in the building, and it's just a reminder to Donghyuck how close people are, and how he's very lucky no one has walked in yet.

"Opening the door," Jaemin announces, then takes just a second before the door does open. His eyes scan the room for just a second before landing on Donghyuck, and he hangs up the phone.

Donghyuck puts his phone down as Jaemin walks over. Jaemin takes a second to assess something, then sits down beside him. His hand rests on Donghyuck's thigh, rubbing it soothingly.

"Do you want to talk about teleportation some more?" Jaemin offers, and Donghyuck considers it. More time to hide from everything, to push it down, to pretend for a little longer like he's okay.

Well - he can't anymore, anyway. Shattered the illusion of it the moment he called Jaemin.

"No," Donghyuck replies, shaking his head. "No. Just give me a moment."

Jaemin hums, still running his hand up and down Donghyuck's thigh in comfort.

Jaemin's here with him, and so he'll be okay, won't he?

"So I... Don't think I'm okay," Donghyuck says, the words quiet. Not something he likes to be - doesn't like to restrain himself by being timid and shy. He likes to take up space, to announce that he's _here,_ a bright presence to gain energy from, to play around and have fun.

"For a while now - uh, I don't know when exactly, but it's kind of been bad since... right before Mark joined practices again? I haven't been okay."

Jaemin's quiet from beside him. He's steady in his support, squeezing his thigh. He won't say anything until Donghyuck has kind of given everything he has to give, so Donghyuck figures he may as well get to it.

"Um, I've kind of been. Feeling really empty. Like, my feelings and emotions felt kind of muted, I suppose? Out of reach, almost, and whenever I did get some - it felt so overwhelming. I don't find joy in the things I know I like, I don't want to go out and eat with people because there's too many choices of things I can't bring myself to care about anymore."

He loosely picks up his phone, fumbling it between his fingers. "I came here, and I... I don't want to be here. I don't want to sing, or dance, or do _anything._ I don't care about the things I enjoy, things I love to do, and that's...."

He can't look at Jaemin, keeping his gaze on the floor in front of them. "I've also been losing time. A lot of it, lately. I don't remember things, and the things I do feel like they're someone else's memories. I sometimes don't feel attached to my body, and then when I realise I'm not... It's terrifying."

The worst time comes to mind, when Chenle had snapped him back in during practice. When he'd been so caught off-guard with how bad he was getting, terrified he was going to get worse.

"Which uh, explains the choreography I've been struggling with lately. If I think about it, I panic, and I start to forget because I'm focusing too hard. If I just blank out, let myself go, then I can get through it. It's just that I do it automatically, but I don't... think I'm quite here when that happens."

Jaemin squeezes again, and Donghyuck realises he's been silent for a bit, trying to process his thoughts. Still present, still grounded, but his thoughts are so tangled. All the emotions, the memories, everything he pushed down is now rising up.

"Honestly, it's... Really scary. I'm really scared, Jaeminnie, and I don't want to be like this anymore."

Jaemin's still quiet from beside him, hand still on his thigh. Donghyuck waits, a little fearful, thinking maybe this is all too much for Jaemin to deal with. That he doesn't want to - God, he shouldn't _have to._

Suddenly, Jaemin's moving to be in front of him. Getting into his view, and Donghyuck can see the worry clearly painted on Jaemin's face.

But there’s love, too. Clearer than it's ever been.

Jaemin's hands come up to his cheeks, and Donghyuck faintly realises they're wet.

It's been a while since he's cried, he realises. A long, long while.

"Oh, my baby," Jaemin says softly, so full of love and consideration and care.

Donghyuck's lips shake, his throat clogs, and it's all the warning he gets before he lets out a sob. It's like something has splintered open in his chest, something _raw_ and almost painful with intensity.

Jaemin folds Donghyuck forward, bringing him into his chest. He wraps his arms around Donghyuck, running up and down his back. "It's okay, it's okay, it's good to cry. You're okay."

Donghyuck can't stop himself, even though he tries to. It's like everything has built up and exploded, and now there's so many emotions swirling in his chest that he can't tell them apart. It releases with sobs, with heaving cries that shake his core.

Jaemin continues to rub at his back, whispering soothing words. "Ah, my baby. It's okay, you'll be okay. Don't worry, just let it out, hm? I'll look after you, you aren't alone."

It takes a while for his breaths to start calming, for his throat to get some relief from all the crying. Absolutely soaked the front of Jaemin's shirt.

Opening his eyes a little, he can see that he apparently clenched and twisted the material as much as possible. It looks like a mess, and Donghyuck winces, though he knows Jaemin will brush it off easily.

Jaemin gently moves him to lean back a little. There's a little pout to his lips, a worried cooing to him as he swipes at Donghyuck's cheeks.

"This is embarrassing," Donghyuck huffs, trying to swallow the tears back down. Thinks he's ridiculous, breaking down like this, crying so much.

Jaemin shakes his head. "It's not. You didn't even realise how much you were hurting from this all until now. What you explained does sound scary, and you have no reason to be embarrassed because of it." Then, in a lighter tone: "Honestly, you're not even that ugly of a crier if that's what you're embarrassed about."

Donghyuck's huff of laughter is still watery, but it's a little bit easier now. "Don't lie to me to make me feel better."

Jaemin sighs. "I'm not. You're annoyingly pretty, even when you've got red eyes and puffy cheeks and a little bit of snot."

Donghyuck's eyes widen, and he does his best to shove at Jaemin in disbelief to get some space, then tries to wipe his nose with the end of his long sleeves. "God, I'm so gross, this is gross."

"Not as bad as that one hangover where-"

Donghyuck shoots him a glare, and Jaemin takes the warning by shutting his mouth, but there's a smile on his lips.

The worst of it, for tonight at least, is over. Jaemin knows now. The empty feeling inside Donghyuck isn't from a lack of emotions - rather just too many have hollowed him out, and he feels drained.

"Hang on," Jaemin tells him, smoothing his hair back and pressing a kiss to his forehead before standing. Donghyuck gets a clear look of himself in the mirror, and he grimaces at his own appearance.

Doing his best to wipe at his face, Jaemin returns with a water bottle and some tissues. He uncaps the lid for Donghyuck, who realises his own hands are shaking.

He manages to drink the water without spilling any at least. Jaemin dabs at his face with the tissues, but Donghyuck gives up on being gentle and just swipes hurriedly across his eyes.

Jaemin scolds him for it, but Donghyuck doesn't pay any mind. There's too many tissues by the time he feels like he's as cleaned up as he's going to be, and he collects them in a pile.

He stands a little shakily, exhausted from the whole ordeal it seems. Jaemin steadies him, and they both walk over to the trash to dispose of the tissues.

There's a drink fountain in the corner, and Donghyuck heads to it, splashing his face with the water. His face feels awful, eyes stinging and a headache already beginning to press against his temples.

Jaemin's watching him closely, positioning himself on the floor again, leaning against the wall. Donghyuck sinks down as well, and Jaemin coaxes him to rest his head in his lap.

Donghyuck feels so tired, like he could truly fall asleep right here. It'd be easier than dealing with the headache, with the conversation Jaemin's gearing them to have. But it sounds too close to what he would do earlier in the day, and he doesn't want to _do_ that anymore. Be that anymore.

"You should see someone, Hyuckie. You know that the company has services they offer." Jaemin's carding his fingers through his hair, keeping him calm.

"I know," Donghyuck mutters. He knows some of the members go to sessions rather frequently.

It's just - well. He's meant to be Haechan, isn't he? Bright, full of life, happy. He didn't want to admit he wasn't.

Now, though, he knows he needs to admit it.

"I was thinking about going back to a psychologist, actually," Jaemin tells him, and Donghyuck's brows furrow.

Jaemin had one right when he came back from hiatus, helping him work through the frustrations, the insecurities. Jaemin had stopped seeing them a while ago, settling into himself, so it's a surprise to hear as Jaemin hasn't indicated otherwise.

"Nothing big. Just little things piling up sometimes, and I think it'd help to talk to someone about it. Professionally. It really helped me," Jaemin continues. "If you want... We could do a session together? If you want to see how it goes."

Donghyuck feels his shoulders sag a bit with relief. Jaemin always brings ease and comfort, and he appreciates the offer more than he can express.

If it's ongoing, Donghyuck knows he'll need sessions to himself, just as Jaemin will. Some things to themselves to sort through, and then coming back together as they always do.

"Yeah," Donghyuck replies. He feels a little useless replying with such short words, but he's so drained it's all he can offer right now. Jaemin leans down to press another kiss to his forehead.

"And you might not like me as much with this suggestion," Jaemin starts, a cautious lilt to his tone. "But I think you should tell the members. At least a couple of them."

Donghyuck tenses. It was already so _much_ to tell Jaemin. Exhausting - and embarrassing. The fact that he's let himself get to this point, let it get this bad. Knowing they'll be upset that Donghyuck didn't ask for help sooner.

"I think it'll help if we can kind of figure out if you're slipping. We can work to find things that help ground you," Jaemin explains.

"Touch helps," Donghyuck replies, hand reaching out to connect with Jaemin's. "When it's bad, I always feel more present when I'm touching someone."

Jaemin nods, a comforting smile on his lips, but Donghyuck can see the way he's thinking back, trying to think of all the times Donghyuck was seeking comfort recently. Donghyuck reaches up to tap at his cheek, drawing his attention.

Jaemin takes a second to collect his thoughts. "Then I think it wouldn't hurt to tell them. You know they'll support you, that this isn't anything to be ashamed about. We all need help, and we all want to help. So let us, you dummy." Jaemin's words are still careful, like he knows Donghyuck's on edge with the suggestion, but Donghyuck settles.

He knows Jaemin's right, after all. It's hard to refute it.

"Not tonight," Donghyuck mutters, and Jaemin softly laughs.

"No, of course not. Your cheeks are still puffy," he says, a little bit teasing. Donghyuck pouts, and Jaemin leans forward to press a kiss to each cheek. "Still cute, though."

They sit together for a little bit longer. It gives Donghyuck time to collect himself, and Jaemin patiently waits, playing with their connected hands.

"I'm tired," Donghyuck finally says, breaking their silence. He's _exhausted._ Emotionally, so much so that it's making his body feel heavy, ready to just lie down for a while and sleep for the foreseeable future.

"Come on," Jaemin replies, standing and tugging him up with him. "I don't think the back-ache is worth sleeping in here."

Donghyuck groans, limbs feeling heavy and uncooperative, but Jaemin doesn't let go of him. Double checking they have everything, Jaemin leads him out the room, shutting the door resolutely.

Jaemin's got one hand interlinked with Donghyuck, the other on his phone. Donghyuck glances over to see him ordering a taxi, and Donghyuck frowns.

"Hey, we can just get the bus. You've already just paid for one-"

Jaemin scoffs. "The bus takes longer."

Donghyuck goes to argue, but Jaemin squeezes his hand as a warning not to bother. Donghyuck relents, figuring he'll pay back Jaemin at some point.

Jaemin hums under his breath, and Donghyuck glances over to see he's texting Jeno. He angles the screen a little so Donghyuck can check the conversation, the trust of it always easy between them.

He's told Jeno he's heading back, that Donghyuck will be staying the night. Donghyuck knows Jeno will be a little concerned, as Jaemin left so suddenly and is coming back with Donghyuck in tow.

Still, they know Jeno won't press, and he doesn't - just tells them to get home safely. That there's leftover tteokbokki if either of them want it.

Jaemin then takes a moment to consider something. Before Donghyuck can ask, Jaemin goes back into his conversations and scrolls until he finds Johnny's contact. Sends a quick message that Donghyuck's with him tonight.

Johnny is almost immediate in his reply, sending back thumbs up and a _have a good night, then!_

"Oops," Donghyuck winces.

"Oh please, always a good night with you, even if you're a bit of a mess." Jaemin nudges his side.

The taxi arrives just at the right moment as they step out of the building, and they bundle together in the back. Jaemin talks mindlessly about things happening in the dorm, about Jisung realising he's been accidentally using Renjun's face wash, which solves that ongoing mystery.

The ride isn't long, and soon enough the two of them step out and start the short walk to the front doors of the building.

"I should probably mention that I think the kids caught on a bit," Jaemin tells him, voice quiet. "We all kind of thought you were just crashing hard from having so many schedules lately."

"I don't think you're wrong," Donghyuck shrugs. "When I have schedules, when I'm busy, I'm happy, and I can easily push back the negatives. I think I did crash, but just... Not normally."

Jaemin hums in consideration, leading him into their dorm. No one's there to greet them, and they take their shoes off and tread carefully just in case they're all asleep.

He can hear Jeno on his computer though, if he listens carefully. Signs in Renjun and Jisung's room that at least one of them is awake.

Still, Donghyuck doesn't really want to announce his presence, to deal with the confrontation. He got a quick glimpse of himself in a mirror, and he definitely looks pitiful.

"Tteokbokki?" Jaemin asks quietly, and Donghyuck shakes his head.

"It might help with the headache," Jaemin suggests, and Donghyuck considers it, which is enough for Jaemin to lead him into the kitchen. He sits Donghyuck down at the table, then goes about reheating it.

He places down a bowl of it, both of them sharing, as well as two glasses of water. Jaemin eats very slowly, intent on getting Donghyuck to eat most of it.

It's helping to subside his headache a bit, but Donghyuck's getting eager to head to bed. He eats as much as he has the energy to, then downs the water, and waits for Jaemin to finish his own.

Jaemin glares at the remaining dish, pointedly staring between Donghyuck and the meal, but Donghyuck sits back and signals he's done.

Giving up with a sigh, Jaemin just puts down his own chopsticks and goes to clean up the dishes. Donghyuck helps, not wanting to feel useless.

Jaemin immediately leads them back to his room, telling Donghyuck he's already washed up earlier. He suggests Donghyuck should do so now, but Donghyuck just flops onto the bed.

"I'm not sweaty, I promise," he tells Jaemin, knowing he's usually annoyed about such things when one lies on his bed. "I didn't actually do anything at the studio other than, you know, have a breakdown."

Jaemin gives him a pointed look, but Donghyuck can see the amusement in his eyes, responding to Donghyuck's joking tone. Turning off the lights, Jaemin heads over and curls around Donghyuck's back.

"Hyuckie?" Jaemin presses a light, barely-there kiss to the back of Donghyuck's hair.

"Mhm?"

"I love you."

There’s warmth in his chest. A reminder of just how much he loves Jaemin.

"I love you too."

* * *

Donghyuck wakes up late.

It takes a moment to realise he's in Jaemin's room, and he blinks at the wall before he looks down, seeing Jaemin on his phone, lying down at the foot of the bed

Jaemin glances over, then his eyes widen a little at seeing Donghyuck staring right back. He quickly puts down the phone, sitting up properly. "Hey, good morning to you. Well, it's past midday now, actually. Whatever, that's not the point. How're you feeling?"

Donghyuck's surprised to hear he's slept so long. "Ugh, kind of gross, actually. You know, post-breakdown things."

Jaemin gets up, grabbing something from his bedside table and passes it over. Painkillers, then a bottle of water, and Donghyuck sits up a bit.

"Thanks." Donghyuck swallows them down.

"I double-checked with Johnny to make sure you didn't have to be up for anything. You just have practice at 6PM, right?"

Donghyuck isn't too sure himself - he hasn't really been thinking about his schedule. Just follows automatically, without really thinking about it. "Right," he answers anyway, because it probably is.

"Johnny asked if you were okay, by the way," Jaemin says, sitting properly beside him. "So I'll remind you that we all love you, and we just want to help."

"I know," Donghyuck replies, and Jaemin nudges him.

"I think it's better if you talk to them sooner rather than later. Otherwise they might start asking anyway."

Donghyuck huffs, sliding back down on the bed. "Yeah, I know."

Jaemin gets a text on his phone, then shows Donghyuck the message. Jeno's saying they're ordering lunch, asking what they want.

"Any preferences?" Jaemin asks, and Donghyuck thinks about it.

It isn't like he was expecting to suddenly be all better, everything fixed - but, well, he was hoping for it. He feels lighter, feels happy and grounded. But when he tries to think about if he wants something specific, something he likes, he draws a blank.

Jaemin catches it, running a hand through Donghyuck's hair. "It's fine, I'll just order our usual, okay?"

Donghyuck's relieved the decision is out of his hands and nods. Jaemin sends the text, also adding that Donghyuck's awake now.

Paying attention now, Donghyuck can hear that it's quieter in the dorm. There's conversation, but it's considerately low, obviously at a level that's being monitored so they're not disturbing anyone - and Donghyuck is so, so thankful to them.

While waiting for the food, the conversations get louder. The laughter is brighter, carefree, and Donghyuck feels content as he lies in Jaemin's bed listening to it.

"Will you come with me?" Donghyuck asks suddenly, the thought coming to mind. "If I tell the others?"

Jaemin doesn't hesitate. "Of course."

"I don't know who I should tell," Donghyuck answers, desperate to just get his thoughts in the open.

He doesn't want Chenle and Jisung to worry about him. He's their hyung, he should be looking out for them. Shouldn't be the one to cause them worry.

He doesn't want Dream to worry about him, to be suddenly treated differently because of it. Same with his hyungs - he doesn't want to be reminded of how he's younger than them all, to feel so young and incapable of being independent.

"I don't want to be seen any differently," he admits, because that might be what it comes down to, in the end.

Jaemin shakes his head. "You _know_ you won't be. We'll be careful and mindful of some things, and do our best to help, but it's not like you're someone else. You're still the same person, our precious Donghyuck. Nothing can change that."

Donghyuck mulls over the words for a while. Admits that he'll end up telling them in the end.

"I think... if I want to tell Dream, I should tell them all together," Donghyuck says, and Jaemin nods his agreement.

"Okay. We have practice tomorrow," Jaemin reminds him. It feels too soon, and a bit of fear creeps in.

And there's the issue of Mark - who also crosses over with 127. Telling the Dreams as a group feels _right._ He's grown up with them, and around the same age there isn't such a fear of being treated so differently, of the judgement of being incapable.

Telling 127 as a whole feels intimidating. Maybe it's a bigger group, maybe too many insecurities are coming forth, but he thinks if he tells them, he'll tell them individually, privately.

Maybe it's the worry of feeling like he's adding to Taeyong's already huge plate. As an official leader, Taeyong's always handled them well, and Donghyuck has never wanted Taeyong to worry about him. Wants to be strong, to be strong and reassuring, someone Taeyong can look to for comfort and solidarity.

Donghyuck's still thinking it over, but knows it'll be best to tell them tomorrow. The more he tries to hold it off, the more it'll build and the harder it will get.

He agrees to it just as Jeno knocks lightly at the door, signalling the food has arrived.

"I'm going to wash up before I eat," Donghyuck says as they both get up. Jaemin reaches out and squeezes his arm for comfort before they open the door, parting for different rooms.

The bathroom mirror shows that he still looks like a mess. His hair is wild, cheeks still puffy because crying is never favourable to him. Cold water splashes do little to hide it, but he looks a little better.

Besides, Dream has seen most sides of him, and this really isn't one of his worst appearances.

They don't treat him any differently as he sits down with them, the meals spread out across the table. He's a bit quieter, letting the others take charge of the conversations. Jaemin's got his left hand resting on Donghyuck's thigh, reassurance he's still got his focus on Donghyuck, even if he's taking part more in the conversations with the others.

The day passes easily, even as Donghyuck has to leave. He takes a shower in the dorm, Jaemin lending him a change of clothes for practice. It saves him having to go back to his dorm and getting changed, and it seems neither of them want to separate until they have to.

Jaemin leads him to the door, and though Renjun is sitting on the couch, Jaemin still leans forward to give him a quick kiss.

"Message me after practice," he orders, and Donghyuck salutes him before walking out the door, a pleased flush across his cheeks.

Johnny gives him a very pointed look as Donghyuck turns up to practice in Jaemin's clothes, knowing all too well that they're not his own. Donghyuck just smirks at him, playing into it so it seems more suggestive of other things.

Better than - well, having a meltdown so bad he couldn't cope on his own, after all.

* * *

The next day comes too soon, in Donghyuck's opinion.

Mark arrives only _just_ in time, a moment before their dance teacher, so he can't bring it up before.

Jaemin's a lot more physical with him during their breaks, checking in on him. Donghyuck's at war with himself - the fear of telling them is so heavy that he just wants to push it all down, to lean into the numbness.

He manages to get through the practice while being mostly present with everything.

"Hey, guys?" He calls out, after the dance teacher has left. Jaemin goes over to speak to the manager, who leaves the room soon after. "Uh, do you mind just waiting around? I have something I want to talk about."

All of them agree quickly, and Jaemin guides them all over to the couch in the corner. Donghyuck's hands are wringing together, nervous.

His eyes find Jaemin's, and he takes a deep breath and glances between them all. They've got their full attention on him, patiently waiting.

"I just want to say sorry if I've been acting differently. For forgetting things more often than normal."

Jisung's eyes are wide with worry, and Donghyuck figures the youngest is already probably thinking the worst, like a devastating online medical result for something minor. He hurries to continue so that Jisung doesn't panic.

"Um, it's just - I've been having issues kind of staying present. Like, _here._ In my body. And my emotions are kind of, uh, missing?" He rambles a little nervously, then sees the way their eyes all change, all worried, and he rushes to alleviate it. "Sometimes! Not all the time."

He takes another breath, trying to focus his thoughts. "I've also had issues lately caring about things I know I like to do, like I just feel indifferent and numb to everything. Um, so... Yeah. I'll probably see someone about it, but I just... Wanted you guys to know what's going on, I guess."

Jaemin's hand clasps over his own. Jaemin glances over at him, asking a question - asking if he can add to the conversation, and Donghyuck nods with gratitude.

"He's mentioned touch really helps. Physical contact. I told him it would be worth telling you guys because we can help when he starts to slip," Jaemin tells them. They all nod eagerly, leaning forward.

Renjun places a hand on his thighs, reassuring. "Of course we'll do our best to help," Jeno says, comforting as always.

They all look worried - but determined, resolute, too. Already striving to do their best to help.

Donghyuck smiles with relief. The nerves are still sitting in his stomach, still scared - but he knows it's for no reason, that he's just worked himself up to worry about things that aren't realistic.

"Thanks for telling us, Hyuckie," Renjun mumbles, pressing close to him.

Chenle initiates a group hug, all of them pressing forward and crushing Donghyuck in the centre. Not like he minds, of course.

It's the best he's felt in a while, he thinks. With the comfort of the other members wrapped around him, promising him they'll look out for him.

Mark catches his eyes as they all pull away, and he squares his shoulders. "Guys, do you mind giving us a moment?" He asks everyone. They give the two of them a glance, all of them shooting a comforting gesture to Donghyuck, and move away to the other side of the room, packing up their things.

Jaemin stays around, hands still connected with Donghyuck's. "Nana, it's okay. Go with the others," Donghyuck says, and Jaemin's mouth twists unhappily before he listens.

Mark pushes up his glasses and brushes back his hair. Unsettled, nervous.

"Um, I just want to say I'm sorry you've been going through this, and I'm sorry you did alone." Mark starts, and Donghyuck's heart twists a little, upset for making Mark feel apologetic.

"It's not your fault," he tells him, and Mark shakes his head.

"I know, I know. But I should've looked out for you more."

"I didn't want anyone to know," Donghyuck shrugs. "Don't take the blame for this. No one's at fault here."

"I am if I pushed you away at any point. And I know I did. I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me to be."

Donghyuck, a little mortified, finds that his next breath is a little shaky at Mark's words. He shakes his head, determined for Mark to understand this isn't his fault. "Hyung, it's okay. Honestly. You're always here for me, and I know that. You didn't know about this, so it's not possibly your fault."

"I should've known. I _thought_ you were a little off." Mark mutters, and Donghyuck reaches out to clasp both of his shoulders.

"Hey. You're Mark Lee," Donghyuck sternly tells him. "You are talented at everything, because life is truly unfair. You're kind and considerate. Sometimes a bit stupid and stubborn."

"Says you," Mark interrupts.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. But you're Mark Lee. My best friend. You're sometimes like a god, sure, but you're really just a human. You can't know everything, especially things I was purposely hiding."

"That's _why_ I should have known," Mark argues. Donghyuck snorts.

"I'm sneakier than you. I keep my emotions on my sleeve, open for everyone, so you've never had to consider I would hide them. Seriously, don't beat yourself up about this."

Mark sighs. "I forget you've matured so much."

"Thank god for that," Donghyuck replies, and Mark laughs. Donghyuck's hands lower from his shoulders, but Mark reaches out and connects their hands, a rare form of affection he initiates.

"Hey. I just... I want to say you're our Haechan, but you're our Donghyuckie too." Mark tells him seriously, and Donghyuck's breath catches.

Mark squeezes his hands, then lets go gently. He shifts a little awkwardly, breaking their more intense moment. "By the way, uh, are you going to tell the hyungs?"

Donghyuck purses his lips. "It feels a little scary to tell them all at once, honestly. I was thinking one by one, maybe."

"If it's too much I can help tell some of them for you. Or... Well, I think you should tell Taeyong, honestly. He can help you figure it out."

"He's already got a lot going on. Like, all the time," Donghyuck brushes off, but Mark frowns at him.

"Uh, dude, honestly I think he might get a little upset if you don't tell him. He's happy to be the leader, he wants everyone to trust him enough and feel comfortable to tell him these things. You know how he goes on about it," Mark truthfully says, and Donghyuck's shoulders drop.

"Fine, fine. I'll mention it to him when we head back," Donghyuck grumbles, and Mark clasps his shoulders.

"I can come with, if you want? Or if you want to take Jaemin, or no one, that's cool, no harm whichever way."

Donghyuck looks around, thinking about it. "Uh, I'll let you know. This has honestly been too serious of a conversation and I need a break."

Mark snorts in amusement, then pats his shoulders before dropping his hands entirely. "Fair enough. Besides, I can't handle anymore of Jaemin's intense staring. Dude can look _mean."_

They head back over to the group, all of them speaking between themselves. The conversation doesn't falter as they approach. Donghyuck's relieved for it, because he doesn't really want the reminder of his whole confession. It's just evidence that they really won't treat him differently, that nothing will really change.

The only thing that does change is that they're a little more tactile as they head out. Chenle's draped himself across Donhyuck's shoulders, Renjun and Jisung pressing close.

Donghyuck laughs at Jaemin's pout, fakely-upset that the others have shoved him out to get their own contact with Donghyuck.

Jaemin gets to sit beside him in one of the cars as they're driven back, Mark also with them.

"I think I'm going to tell Taeyong," Donghyuck mutters to him. Jaemin glances at him, thumb thumb rubbing soothingly into Donghyuck's hand which is clasped with his own.

"That's good, that's really good. Did you want me to come up with you?" Jaemin asks, and Donghyuck glances out the window for a moment.

"No, I think I'll be okay. Let's go out and get patbingsu or something later though. I'll need it." Donghyuck laughs under his breath, turning back to look at Jaemin, who's smiling back.

He can tell Jaemin's proud, happy he's opening up to others. He doesn't need to say it, so he doesn't. Just tilts his head and thinks. "Hm, I don't know, you know I'm not great with dairy."

"Oh for-- We'll get a fruit one."

Jaemin grins. "Then I guess I can make time."

Mark and Donghyuck are dropped off first, and Jaemin waves them goodbye after Donghyuck promises he'll text later.

Mark walks up to the building with them, and they step in the elevator together. "So, you're telling him, right?" Mark prods.

"Yep," Donghyuck huffs, because now he's getting nervous again.

"Okay, want me to hang around then?" Mark asks as Donghyuck hits his own floor.

"I think I've got it. But you're welcome to entertain Johnny, because I think I promised him I'd play some games with him."

Mark doesn't hit his own floor, just steps back and leans against the wall. "Yeah, alright. We know he'll get sulky if he gets ignored."

The doors open to the floor, and they enter the dorm. Doyoung greets them, not even slightly surprised at Mark's arrival.

"Is Taeyong-hyung home?" Donghyuck asks, realising he probably should've checked this earlier. Thankfully, Doyoung nods, even though he is slightly surprised now.

"Cool, don't interrupt," Donghyuck brashly states, and leaves Mark to deal with the fall out of it as he heads to Taeyong's door.

He stands before it for a moment, taking a deep breath. Trying to collect himself for the conversation, to overcome the nerves, the worry.

Mark comes by and knocks for him.

"What the _fuck,_ Mark Lee!" He harshly whispers, whirling around. Mark's already walking into Donghyuck and Johnny's room, greeting Johnny like he actually expects him here.

Taeyong opens up the door, eyes widening a little at seeing Donghyuck there. "Oh, Haechannie. Hey, did you need something?"

Donghyuck steels himself. "Yeah, actually. I wanted to talk to you. Um, privately. About something going on."

Taeyong's worry is already showing, but he smooths it out and steps aside, welcoming Donghyuck inside.

Taeyong gestures him to sit somewhere, so Donghyuck sits at the end of the bed. Taeyong takes the chair at his desk, giving him his full attention.

It's just that now Donghyuck doesn't know how to start, how to express himself. Every possible sentence seems awkward, strange, _wrong._

Taeyong is so, so patient. When he sees Donghyuck struggling to form the words, he says "it's okay, Haechannie. Take your time."

"I - I don't really know what to say. Or why I'm saying it. I don't... I don't expect you to fix it or anything. But Jaemin said I should, and Mark said I should too," he blurts out. Taeyong leans forward, eyebrows furrowed just a little. "I think they're right, I mean. I know I should tell you, just so you know what's happening."

Taeyong tilts his head a little. "What is it that's happening?"

And Donghyuck blurts it out. Doesn't let himself think about his thoughts anymore, about the right way to say things.

Explains how he's been feeling - the lack of it, for the third time now.

It isn't any easier.

He keeps going, explaining the moment he realised how bad everything was just two nights ago. How he couldn't find any enjoyment in dancing, singing, in _anything._ How he called Jaemin and told him everything, how he'd told Dream just earlier.

Taeyong sits back, thinking carefully over the words. Donghyuck - god, he's exhausted.

He lets himself fold down a little on the bed, feeling smaller than ever.

Taeyong gets up, and Donghyuck watches him as Taeyong comes to sit beside him.

"I know it must be hard to say all this," Taeyong reassures. "And how confusing and hard it all must be to deal with it. Thank you for coming to tell me."

"I just want to be better," Donghyuck admits, fingers clenching in the sheets. "I'm so tired of being like this."

Taeyong slings an arm across his shoulders. "I know, I know. We'll make it better, okay? We don't really talk about it as much as we should between us all, and I’ll try and fix that, but we all go through difficult times. They're different for everyone, but we all need help sometimes. It's hard to admit it, I know that. I'm proud of you for telling me."

Donghyuck doesn't really know what else to say, feeling like he's just bared out his whole soul, and he's drained.

"You know I talk to a therapist a lot, right? A few of us do. If you're willing, I think it'd be worth setting up something for you."

Donghyuck nods. "Yeah. Jaemin said the same. He said we can go together."

"And do you want to?"

"I just... I just want to be better," Donghyuck says, squeezing his eyes shut. He doesn't want to cry - he's cried enough already. Lost enough tears over this.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay, you don't need to decide right now if it's too much to think about. But if you want, I can set it up for you. I can talk to a manager about it quietly," Taeyong offers, and Donghyuck's so grateful, but guilty too. Worried he's adding to Taeyong's stresses.

"You don't... I can set it up, it's okay hyung."

"Hyuckie," Taeyong says seriously. "You can let me help, you know? I know you probably feel bad about it, but please, please don't. I want to help. Honestly, I'd feel a little useful to do this much. It would make me feel better."

Donghyuck knows Taeyong's setting him up a little with that last admission, but it's still relieving to hear, eases up some of his worries.

"You're so strong, you know? You handle so much on your own, and I'm so proud of you. It's okay to reach out for help whenever you need it. There's nothing to feel bad about. You don't need to do _everything_ on your own to prove anything."

Donghyuck lets himself collapse a little into Taeyong's side. "Then... I'd be really thankful if you talked to a manager about it."

"Okay," Taeyong agrees. "Don't worry, alright? It's fine if you're not okay. That's why we're all here - to help and support each other."

Donghyuck thinks he should tell Taeyong about telling the other members, figure out how to go about it, but Donghyuck's just - so exhausted. Doesn't want to think about telling anyone right now.

"Thank you, hyung," Donghyuck decides to say, encapsulating all his feelings. How grateful he is to be supported.

Taeyong rubs Donghyuck's side. "Don't worry about it. Honestly. I'll sort it out, and I'll let you know the details. If you have any questions, or just _anything,_ just come to me."

Donghyuck swallows around the lump in his throat. "I will. Thank you."

"Do you want to rest in here?" Taeyong offers - which is a big offer, because Taeyong isn't a huge fan of people invading his space for long periods of time. It's not lost on Donghyuck how much it means.

"Um, that's okay. I said I would go out to eat with Jaemin, actually." Donghyuck needs to wash himself up anyway. Scrub off the feeling of crying so much.

"Ah," Taeyong says knowingly. "Of course."

Taeyong lets go of him, and Donghyuck takes the opportunity to stand. "Thanks again, hyung. Really."

Taeyong smiles warmly. "No need to thank me, Hyuckie. I'm just thankful you came to me."

Donghyuck rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, then goes to turn and walk out from the kind-of awkward atmosphere that's now starting to appear.

"Oh, Hyuckie?" Taeyong questions, and Donghyuck turns. "Doyoungie's getting moody about the fact you haven't gone out to eat with him. I know you probably haven't been up for it, and don't push yourself to be, but when you are..."

Donghyuck smiles. "Yeah. I'll make sure I go with him."

Taeyong smiles right back. "I'm glad. He's even less fun when he's moody. Okay, go on, have fun."

Loved. Donghyuck is _loved._

* * *

Jaemin is standing beside him. They're standing at the front of the building from the address Taeyong gave him, almost a week after talking to him.

Donghyuck's palms are sweating, heart racing with nerves.

"This is it, right?" Jaemin asks, slipping his hand into Donghyuck's. Donghyuck goes to pull away, grossed out with his own sweating, but Jaemin holds tighter.

"Yeah." Donghyuck breathily confirms. "This is it."

Jaemin squeezes his hand, then enters the building. He keeps hold, even as they talk to a receptionist, as they sit down and wait.

"How're you feeling?" Jaemin asks quietly.

It's funny. Johnny asked him the same thing earlier that morning.

Johnny, who's been checking in a lot more recently. It's almost with an annoying frequency, but he's so genuine, so concerned, that Donghyuck can't be upset about it.

Telling Johnny had been hard, even with the knowledge Johnny probably expected something to be said. Has probably expected it from the moment he asked three times in one week if Donghyuck was okay.

"Nervous," Donghyuck had answered then, and he answers the same now. "But... Okay."

He's not _entirely_ okay, in all regards. Sometimes he drifts still. Sometimes, even when someone holds him tight, he can't come back down.

Sometimes he's numb, disconnected, indifferent.

He can mask it well, but the others watch him carefully for it. They're patient as they try to coax him to just let it drop, to just express whatever it is he needs to at that moment.

But for the first time in a while, he says he's okay truthfully.

Because he's getting better. He's okay because Jaemin is beside him now. Because his members are always standing by him as well.

"Lee Donghyuck and Na Jaemin?"

They stand up together, and Donghyuck thinks he's so, so lucky.

Lucky to have Jaemin. To have his members.

He feels so much. So much love.

Very lucky indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah listen idk I've always loved NCT but finally got to know all the members like two months ago, and so here we are lmaooo
> 
> As I said this is heavily based off my own experiences and feelings, I still don't really know what was going on then, so my therapy is in the form of writing as per usual. Uh, I also kind of glanced over this once before and it's like 2.30am and I'm just committing to the upload, so there's probably a few mistakes in here oops :')
> 
> I have a [twitter,](https://twitter.com/shiningstarhwa) if anyone is interested in yelling to me abt nct (or other groups that's cool too) <3 
> 
> Kudos/bookmarks/comments are always heavily appreciated, thank you for reading!! <3


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